


put your grenade where your mouth is

by Piriluk (orphan_account)



Category: Vocaloid
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Consensual Underage Sex, Dark, Drama & Romance, Dysfunctional Family, F/M, Family, Family Drama, Family Issues, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Masturbation, Multi, Romance, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, Underage Sex, dark themes, i bet you all know what that means, onii-chan kinks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-05-14 16:23:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 24,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5750020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Piriluk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>because when you feel like you're gonna explode, all you want is to take everyone else who drove you to that point down with you. NINESHOT</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the moment i said it

**Author's Note:**

> (oh god it feels like im telling everyone im busy and then im just casually posting a fanfic like... yeah. busy. truth is i wrote most of this one/two weeks ago and have been pooping it out in between everything else as my me-time LOL im a huge dick. i reaaally reeeeally wanted to post the first chapter before japan steals me for three weeks, so here it is. i promise im not being slack. i promise. ive had so many people yelling at me to do thing and i just want to lay down and become an egg save meeeee. but i think im getting on top of it - hopefully. :( i still feel like super mega shitty trash tho. well, i am trash. anyway -)
> 
> rated Mature for: rin's promiscuity, underage drug use/alcohol use, masturbation, suicidal ideation, self harm, underage sex, maybe the slightest mention of rape, and... (looks at list) uh, "onii-chan kinks".
> 
> wow this sounds bad already haha. (it is bad turn back now before it's too late.)
> 
> but seriously, there are some dark and possibly triggering descriptions in this. please proceed with caution. it's rated Mature for a reasonnnn
> 
> (rubs hands) now, lets begin

_2014/08/24_. **Time:** _3:32AM_

 _shitgirl_ ' **S MINDFULNESS JOURNAL ENTRY** _69_

Today…

 **The last thing I ate was:** a packet of stale rice crackers i found in the bottom of this guy's bag

 **The last thing I drank was:** guess

 **The last person I talked to was:** some guy. i said, 'you like that, boy?' and he proceeded to jizz all over my new tank top

 **The last thing I did was:** fake an orgasm

Prompt #1: Write your thoughts and feelings.

Just Call Me Yukari told me to write in this so i am writing in this.

i feel like donuts.

 **Rate your current state of happiness out of ten:** (worst) **1** \- 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 (best)

 **Comment on your rating:** if negatives were there i would circle -12.

Tips towards being mindful:

1\. Observe

2\. Describe

3\. Participate fully

4\. Be non-judgemental

5\. Focus on one thing at a time

**Have a mindful day!**

.

.

* * *

**put your grenade where your mouth is**

{ because when you feel like you're gonna explode, all you want is to take everyone else who drove you to that point down with you. }

* * *

PART I

.

.

.

His step-mother was a peculiar character.

It wasn't like Len thought of her as the evil step-mother from Cinderella. God, no - it wasn't like that at all. Lily was sort of okay in moderation. She was just… you know, _strange_.

Maybe it was because of experiences with his own mum, that he found it difficult to get past Lily's contrasting personality. She was, after all, really overly happy about everything and anything; much like a bouncy ball that would attempt to smack joy and rainbows _and sunshine_ into anyone who wasn't feeling it. It was more than annoying when he wanted to just mope about, but he learned to deal with it - it was just her character.

The poor woman tried too hard to be hip and young. She, more often than not, wore frilly, colourful outfits- something that was all too strange to see on a lady who was nearly, or at least, thirty years of age. It made it hard to think of her as a mother-figure, since it was like watching an adult dress up like a teenager.

Or maybe it was just him.

Len still didn't know _who_ he saw as a mother-figure; his blood-related one so much as disappeared out of his life as if he was dead to her. She was just as stale as a month old loaf of bread; never a mother to begin with.

Lily, on the other hand, was different - whether it be good or bad. Probably good. He found her funny and easy to relax around, at least. Plus, she made Dad smile, which was a first - he never smiled when he was back in Tokyo with Mum.

So, that explained why the boy found it a little concerning the usually perky woman appeared tense during the long car drive into town. The slightest crease in her forehead was forming along with a frown, her hands wrapped tight around the steering wheel.

He wasn't one to talk much - or even ask questions, really - but concern drove him to start a conversation.

"What's up?"

Lily blinked out of her daze, glancing over at the teenager in the passenger seat. "Huh? Oh, um…" She seemed hesitant, like she was still deciding whether to break the news to him. He waited, watching her carefully - patience was a virtue, after all.

Seeing he wasn't going to let up, she eventually continued in a small voice, "Your father got a call from Lola this morning."

On hearing that, a knot twisted in Len's stomach - from nerves or from uncertainty, he couldn't really tell. By the tone of her voice, something bad had happened. _God, please don't tell me someone has died_ , was his first thought.

"Your sister - Rin, isn't it?" she checked, and he gave a small nod. "Apparently, she hasn't been too… well-behaved lately. Well, lately is an understatement. She's pretty much run off the rails since you and your father moved away. But we didn't know too much about it considering your mother refuses to talk to anyone."

"Oh," he said simply.

Lily tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, seemingly in thought. "Miriam called your aunt in a fit the other day about Rin, because apparently she'd been expelled again."

"Wait… _again?_ How many times has she been expelled? What for, even?" asked Len. He couldn't believe what he was hearing - she was joking, surely. His sister had never been… one to act up, or, well, not the sister he knew. They weren't exactly _close_ , but he knew her well enough to be aware of her fear of getting into trouble.

That made the two of them, though. The way trouble was dealt with in their previous family was… quite physical.

He wasn't talking about small taps, either.

His step-mother bit her lip. "This was the third time," she told him quietly. "We knew about the other times - they were usually to do with disobedience or lack of attendance - so we… yeah. However, the recent one had to do with setting the science lab on fire - _purposely_ , might I add."

The boy couldn't help but think at first, _Well, I never knew she was much of an arsonist._ He swallowed his words quickly though, mustering a feeble, "Oh no."

Lily looked at him, eyebrows furrowed. "I mean, I'm sure she's _fine_ , Len. She's managed to get accepted into another school. But… considering this is the third time, it must mean something's not right. Your father is a little worried about it. He feels like Rin's misbehaviour has something to do with him; your parents' divorce."

Len sunk down into his seat, couldn't help but feel the same concern, too. They _had_ essentially left her behind with their mum, who was inarguably sometimes a little… 'not okay'. Actually, 'not okay' didn't really suffice in terms of describing her, but, the truth hurt a little. It wasn't like they'd done it _willingly_ ; he'd begged his father not to separate them. But Miriam clung onto Rin for dear life, telling him he'd already taken away enough. Both of them were legally still their parents - so, unless she had a court case against her for being batshit, he technically couldn't take Rin from her, either.

Then it was history. He hadn't seen his sister for at least five years; since their parents divorced. It wasn't like they had much control over seeing each other, anyway - they were younger, they didn't have the freedom or responsibility to go off and do whatever. Whenever he tried to get into contact with Rin, she'd mysteriously disappear or stop replying. He _had_ considered that his sister hated him - for whatever reason - but didn't want to acknowledge it. He felt guilty enough already.

Now Rin was going down - something Len hadn't imagined happening _to that extent_. She was obviously hurting… a lot, and here he was doing nothing about it.

He wanted to get into contact with her - he always had - but _how?_ He felt so helpless about it. From this distance, he could only hope his mother had turned over a new leaf and was supporting her - but from what he'd heard, there was no guarantee she had. Not to mention, his mother probably wouldn't see eye-to-eye (or even _try_ to).

A small voice made him dread the worst: he knew all too well that she would be tearing Rin down just like she'd done to everyone else before the family fell apart.

One could carry so much of the world's weight on their shoulders, Len knew that. The thought of his sister being all alone, to fend for herself all these years against that _true_ monster, terrified him.

But he had ignored the thought too much whenever it came to mind - to the point that now she was probably suffering more than he could imagine.

It wasn't fair on her - it wasn't fair on her at all.

The Rin he knew, he imagined, was the bubbly and bright ten year old who wanted to believe that their parents love was never going to end, even though she knew all too well it was.

Just the thought of the dark look on her face that night - the night when the happy family facade shattered with a slap - made the taste in his mouth bitter.

Trying to imagine _that_ Rin - the Rin whose dreams had been broken - as his sister, now, made his mind reel. She was a stranger when he thought of her like that. He could hardly piece together how she'd act or think.

In light of that, he told himself he wouldn't blame her if she hated him. But the thought still kind of stung like the words their parents threw at one another before they divorced.

Len wished he made the effort to get closer to her before it all ended. To him back then, she was that girl who his friends would ask him about, where he'd glance across the room at her sort of disinterestedly and say, "Yeah, but she's just my sister."

It wasn't like they hated each other, then, or that he had anything against her - he just… had never really established a connection with her for some reason. They were just kind of… 'whatever' with each other - they fought, they had good times, they stuck up for each other. Maybe their parents' unstable relationship was too much a distraction for them to ever feel comfortable around each other without feeling guilt, too.

He felt pretty sore about not offering Rin more support when their parents divorced. After all, it had affected her the most; completely crushing her. Yet he'd seen it coming from miles away, so at the time he couldn't really comprehend why she was so shocked and cared so much. It was bound to happen, the way things were going.

Sure, Len also never wanted it to end, somewhat - but what hurt more: his parents happier being apart, or the constant screaming and arguments that filled his ears every night? He didn't want to be selfish about it - he just wanted happiness for them.

Though, admittedly, he would still look at all the perfect families from time to time and think, "I wish that was _my_ family."

Just sometimes.

Len supposed it had to happen. There was surely a good reason or something behind it all, maybe - he just didn't know what it was exactly. He never really wanted to question it. He'd just let the universe do its work.

But he wondered what the universe's work had done, or was doing to Rin, most of all.

He found it hard to find the good in any bad news regarding his family.

"Yeah," he could only say back to Lily's statement. He wasn't sure what he was agreeing with, or if he was agreeing with anything at all.

His step-mother glanced at him, that look of concern in her eyes, but said no more. The rest of the trip was in complete silence.

.

.

.

"Rin, I… I'm glad you gave it a go, but really? This is a mindfulness journal. You need to, you know, be mindful. Or at least _try_ to be."

The student counsellor's room was a bit like a sick person's mind.

If it weren't for the various, colourful posters lining the walls, advertising psychologists and mental health awareness, or the many books and pamphlets that scattered the shelves, the drab white walls and grey carpet alone would give the place a mental asylum vibe.

Except, having the garish words 'STRESS' and 'DEPRESSION' and 'ANXIETY' stare Rin down in the face from many angles and directions still reminded her that, yes, this place was for the loopy kids - including her.

_Well._

Just Call Me Yukari gave the notebook she held open a disapproving look. The girl sitting across from her simply smiled to herself, pleased with her counsellor's mildly disgusted reaction.

"Speaking of which," she continued in her 'serious business' voice. "I'm concerned about your sexual health. Are you using protection of some sort, Rin? If you're going to be sleeping with so many people, you need to ensure using a condom, just in case you engage in intercourse with someone who has an STI, as it…"

...Blah, blah, blah. She couldn't be bothered to listen to the rest - it was the same old lecture she'd heard time and time again. Whatever, she used protection; she wasn't a dumbass, though her mum tried to insist she was. Couldn't get a break, could she?

 _Rin this_ and _Rin that_ , _Rin, you're useless_ and _Rin, you're a slut_ \- not to forget _Rin, I wish you weren't my daughter_ \- she could just about write a prayer out with the things she was told daily.

Oh, not just from her mother, even - from just about _everyone_ , really. She was sure Just Call Me Yukari wanted to say those things too, but because she was a counsellor and she meant 'serious business', she had to sugarcoat her words.

God, why'd she ever get duped into this? Maybe she really _was_ a useless dumbass after all.

She knew better. It wasn't like, you know, Yukari could ever _help_ her- unless the woman was a fairy godmother in disguise that would magic away her parents divorce and her mother's shitty personality. Psh, _please_.

Honestly, if there were two things that could be changed in her life, it'd be the latter points.

She would erase the memories of her mother fighting with her father, acting like the wife from hell; replace it with them kissing lovingly in the kitchen, and her brother and her going, "Ewww." She'd make sure her mother never met the man she cheated with behind Dad's back, which inevitably called for the denouement of their 'happy' family; just let it be them falling even deeper in love with each other, maybe even having a younger sister or brother for her to fawn over.

She'd take back all the words her mother ever said - the blames, the insults, the utter hatred - fill them with compliments, and words of love and concern. She'd wipe her mind of the times she'd raised her hand on her or her brother or even her father, the times she'd locked Rin out in the cold to fend for herself; make it full of hugs and kisses, the safety of a cozy home and a warm bed.

Most of all, she'd bring Dad and Len back home to them, and everything would be okay. Everything would be okay, because none of this would have ever happened.

 _Whatta doozy, huh_ , she mused after imagining that kind of impossible power. She really was blessed by the gods with _this_ shipwreck of a family, wasn't she?

Oh, wait - _what_ family? She didn't have one, not now - not since her father and brother left Tokyo for some crummy town a day and a half drive away. They didn't care they left her behind with a dragon - and neither did she, after a while. There was just no point in trying to keep up that false illusion of hope or happiness or perfection or anything, because none of it was real. All the things she used to brag about to her friends at school - the white-picket-fence family she apparently had - was no longer reality. The perfect girl in that family photo she kept as her last piece of hope was no longer reality.

Well, not for her, at least - her brother seemed mighty happy miles away from his crazy mother, with his new life and all - according to his social media, anyway. Yeah, Rin stalked his Twitter or whatever - but she had perfect reason to. They didn't talk, and they hadn't for a very long time - how else would she know what's going on in their life? Her mother certainly wasn't one that wanted anything to do with the pair.

Admittedly, she was sort of at fault for their distance; she'd cut Len off too many times, so much that he'd given up trying to contact her. But that was because he and Dad were Both Guilty of everything that had happened, had left her behind, and were _perfectly happy_ while she was stuck back in Hellville, living a nightmare called Reality.

Although Len didn't have much to do with their parents' divorce, the fact that he agreed to moving away and letting Dad remarry the stepmonster was just Fucking Awful - sibling betrayal at its best. She had hope in him to have _some_ sort of disagreement with everything - but he just seemed so 'whatever' about it, goddammit. He'd always shrug his shoulders and walk off like it didn't really matter.

It ticked her right off, it did. She hated him, she hated him _so much_ for not putting up a fight or anything. Siblings were supposed to support each other, right? _Right?_ Especially twins, at least, because they're supposed to think alike and be all psychic and shit with each other. But nay - here she was breaking down and being verbally destroyed by her own mother, while he was off having the time of his life with his new family.

This was why Rin had to do this, you know, be even shittier than she already was. This was why she had to be a disappointment - because there was just no point. Everyone else had disappointed her, so why not she return the favour? It wasn't like it _mattered_ anymore - she had no meaning, she had nothing. No one understood, or listened, or cared. And neither would she.

Just Call Me Yukari gave her a thin smile. She blinked at the woman, tuning back into reality - the counsellor had obviously just finished rambling off some shit about mental health, sex and diseases, and she'd totally tuned out. Ah, oops. Whatever.

"Next time can you try better, please, Rin? I know you find it tough to write how you feel or what goes through your head, but once you get it off your chest, you'll feel better. Plus, I can help you find methods of coping, rather than what you resort to now."

It was clear she was wrapping up the session, considering she probably had another poor soul to chastise in the next minute or so. Busy life for someone who tried to tell others how to live theirs, hey?

Rin rolled her eyes and rose from her chair abruptly, causing it to tip back into the shelf behind her. The subsequent crash destroyed what was left of the peace and quiet, but it felt like victory over the deafening silence from before.

Just Call Me Yukari pretended to ignore what just happened. "What's your current class, Rin? I'll write you a note so you don't get in trouble for turning up late."

She sighed. "Biology." It was the first thing she'd said since entering the office.

The counsellor handed over the note, giving Rin another watery smile, and she turned away to saunter out into the hall.

 _Biology, huh?_ she mused, _I can't wait to finger-fuck some dead frogs, or something_.

.

 _2014/08/29._ **Time:** _4:38PM_

 _trash can_ ' **S MINDFULNESS JOURNAL ENTRY** _0_

Today…

 **The last thing I ate was:** bread from the cafeteria vending machine

 **The last thing I drank was:** something salty

 **The last person I talked to was:** vice principal. i told them that i gained great pleasure out of fucking dead amphibians

 **The last thing I did was:** get suspended

Prompt #2: Two moments I'll never forget are…

my parents' divorce and fingering a dead animal

 **Rate your current state of happiness out of ten:** (worst) 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 (best)

 **Comment on your rating:** i have no happiness so i will not circle any

Tips towards being mindful:

1\. Observe

2\. Describe

3\. Participate fully

4\. Be non-judgemental

5\. Focus on one thing at a time

**Have a mindful day!**

.

.

.

Club practice was cancelled due to bad weather - something Len was far too glad about.

The corridor filled with students, eager to move on to their next sought-out location. A handful of others loitered, having better mind to avoid the sudden torrential downpour uncharacteristic to this time of year. By the looks of it, the heavy clouds were starting to part; welcoming the sun to swallow up the puddles forming on the grounds outside the school building.

Len lurked near the lockers of the homeroom beside his - it was routine to wait behind for his friends to be released so that they could leave together. He peered around the frame of the classroom door, watching students listen while the teacher ran through the last part of notices before being dismissed for that day.

The girl closest to the door noticed his presence and turned to look at him. Akin to a doll, she had long teal hair tied into pigtails, large eyes and pretty, pale skin. He blinked back at her, feeling himself flush as she gave him a sweet smile.

A warm sensation filled his chest, his knees going weak. He grabbed the doorframe to steady himself. _Beautiful_ , he almost said aloud - if not for a tall boy who appeared to slide an arm protectively around her waist.

He shot him a warning glare, as if to say, _back off, ya shit._

Len swallowed and averted his gaze, embarrassed.

The girl was Miku; pretty, darling Miku Hatsune, who'd captured his heart at the beginning of first year - ever since he first laid eyes on her.

Unfortunately, she was dating Yuuma - and he was smart enough to know to never take him on. The guy screamed _ball-crusher_ with just one look at him. Anyway, she was way too far out of his league - like, literally ten galaxies away. It just wasn't plausible.

Even so, she was always polite to him; smiling at him in the hallways and greeting him whenever her friends weren't around. If she wasn't dating someone already, he would've thought she reciprocated his feelings.

He was so deep in thought that he didn't realise the class had been dismissed, and a firm hand landed on his shoulder, startling him from his daze. He glanced up to meet the fiery eyes of his red-headed friend, and two others snickering behind him.

"Yo, man," began Lui, giving his shoulder a quick, warning squeeze, "don't let your eyes linger too much, Yuuma might skin ya."

Len scoffed. "You guys wouldn't let him touch me."

Miki, who stood aside with Piko, let out a short laugh of disbelief. "Righto. We don't like you _that_ much."

He mock-scowled. "Amazing friends _you_ all are."

Yeah, friends - Len didn't really know how that came to be.

They'd always joked about being the outcasts, hence their fast friendship - but it was still something he wondered about. He could've been friends with _anyone_ , but it was this group that won him.

Still, he wasn't sure whether this was the best offer he could've taken.

Lui was essentially the leader of the pack: short, headstrong, a little bit - or rather, _a whole lot_ \- girl-obsessed. Len supposed how they'd met was through club - they weren't in any classes with each other, so that ruled it out. Miki and Piko, however, were in a few of his classes - but he wasn't as close to them as he was to Lui. Miki was loud and annoying - a typical girl, he thought - and didn't fuss around much, was straight to the point. She essentially had Piko - the quietest of the group - on a leash.

He wondered why the pair weren't dating; they seemed too… _close_ to be 'just friends'. Yet, whenever he tried to make mention of the possibility of them being a couple, they'd get up in arms about it all. The girl insisted they were just _very, very close friends_. Jeez.

Their group happened to have one thing in common with each other, at least - they were, yes, your _average dorks_ ; the high school nerds, the group that couldn't hold a conversation without it turning beyond awkward and weird.

Why Len was categorised into the group was beyond him, but whatever. He probably _did_ suck at socialising - but that was just because he preferred to keep his thoughts to himself. Why speak when you could just be sensible?

Exactly. Keeping your mouth shut implied intelligence to _some_ degree.

A selfish part of him didn't want to be one of the dorks. Well, naturally, who _would?_ He had pride. That was something hard to upkeep, especially when everyone else looked down on you for being a nobody - which was what he was. No one knew his name, apart from his friends; no one so much as _looked_ in his direction.

Instead, he was the one always looking at everyone else.

For example, Miku and her group. They'd always been an object of fascination, ever since he started attending Crypton High; they were mysterious yet mischievous, the kind of people who had the best stories to tell regarding their adventures. He knew all about them, heard all about them - the fun group, the ones who brought life to the party. Everyone respected them and no one looked down on them - he wanted to be like that, too.

But Len wasn't. He was just that random guy who had a borderline-insane mother and a sister he hadn't seen for at least half a decade. He didn't stand out - wasn't a genius, didn't have any extraordinary talents besides perfect attendance - he was just another one of those sob stories from a broken family.

Anyhow, his friends were all too tame to take it up a notch and mingle with the 'cool kids'. "Nah man, I got study to do," was a typical excuse against most proposals of adventure and excitement.

There was a reason why studying had the word 'dying' in it - how could you call 'living' going home to work on algebraic equations all afternoon?

It wasn't fun sitting on the safe side of the fence all the time. It was just boring. And he didn't want to be boring.

He didn't want to be an asshole, either, though.

"Aw man," Lui said, squinting under the warm afternoon sun that appeared as they gathered near the front entrance of school. "We have to say goodbye to poor country boy again. Goodbye country boy - always ditching karaoke for your long-distance relationship with city life."

Len rolled his eyes. They'd been friends for two years, however the fact that his parents preferred enrolling him in a high school that had better reputation yet was further away had always been a topic to tease him about. It sucked because everyone else lived in the city, yet he had to make an hour and a half journey to his little crummy town in the mountains.

In Tokyo, it wasn't like that. You could reach the next city over within half an hour.

This new life was different - _very_ different - and he couldn't settle into it for a very long time. At first, having to travel so far frustrated him to no end. He'd missed Tokyo; missed it's busy streets and sirens at 2AM and 24-hour nonstop madness. Tokyo was familiar. It was comfortable. It was the memories of a broken childhood and unknown future.

But then he found himself warming to the peace and quiet, the long trips to and from home, the scenery that looked like it'd come out of a painting. He liked the clean air and the change of seasons like a wave over the landscape - the fact that you could look up at night and see millions of twinkling lights staring back at you. It grounded him.

In Tokyo, all that was, was the vast empty sky - something he'd gazed up at while listening to the arguments between his parents downstairs, desperately searching for that one little star that would give him hope.

But here was different. It was home.

It was better than the past. He knew that all too well.

Len said goodbye to his friends and took the long journey - a train ride, bus ride, then a ten-minute walk - to his house. It was larger than his home back in Tokyo, surrounded by the wilderness and rice fields in all directions rather than being cramped in a busy, overpopulated street.

Nature seemed to be taking over the path leading to the front door - his stepmother had long given up battling the weeds summer bred. The sounds of rush hour traffic and rushing footsteps was left behind at the last station - now, the never-ending summer sonata of crickets and cicadas was all he could hear.

Lily was in the kitchen cooking when he entered the house. She glanced up on hearing him, a bright smile splitting her face.

Even after five years, it was hard to get used to being greeted by a happy person when he came home.

"Hey, Len! How was school?"

Len dumped his bag in the hallway, reaching down to fetch his lunchbox. "Uh," he mumbled. "It was alright, I guess."

His stepmother watched him over her bowl of salad, raising an eyebrow. "What's up?" she asked.

"Huh." He stepped past to dump the container into the sink and wash it out. He met her eyes briefly, expressionless. "Nothing. Nothing is up."

"Really," Lily said, folding her arms over her chest. She leant up against the bench to watch him. "Come on. What's the matter? Kids at school bullying you? Bad teachers? You lost your bus pass?"

He shook his head. "Nah." He turned off the tap, glancing up at her. "It's just… Rin. I guess."

She frowned. "What about Rin?"

Len swallowed, looking back down at the stray grains of rice floating in the water. He sighed. "I don't know. I'm worried she's not safe, I guess. Not safe - not even safe from herself."

Immediately, Lily's gaze went gentle, and she reached out to give him a reassuring pat on the shoulder. He wanted to shrug her off.

"Try not to worry too much, Len," she told him, attempting to act all understanding like she usually did - but this wasn't really what he wanted to hear. "We may be far, but the distance isn't impossible. If anything happened, your dad would be there as soon as possible to get her. You know he cares for Rin just as much for you."

Well, she wasn't wrong, he supposed.

Dad was _Dad_ \- he was nearly 40, but happily worked around the clock at a repair shop in town and sold farm goods in his spare time. Back home, he did the same; he hadn't changed much since they left, really. He tried to be funny and catering and understanding, like all dads did - even though Len knew all too well how hard it was to do that when it only brought back memories of Mum. In the end, it was still too strained and awkward. He didn't want to remember the family he left behind - including Rin.

He knew that his dad loved them and all; he loved them more than he loved Mum. But it wasn't the same - not now, anyway. In a way, he was a more like a scar to his dad - looking at him was a reminder of unpleasant memories and countless stories that would never fade away.

"Yeah. I know," Len murmured. "It's just…"

_I'm worried about Rin- how she's coping. What happens if she can't cope at all and… does something?_

The thought brought on a bitter taste in his mouth. _Does something._ He didn't want to imagine _what_ she'd do.

"What?" Lily asked, eyebrows furrowing.

He turned away, pouring the dirty water from the containers in the sink and setting them aside to dry. "It's nothing. I'm just being stupid," he told her simply.

She stepped in front of him, stalling him before he could escape from the kitchen. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I'm sure."

His stepmother pressed her lips together, looking dubious. After a few moments of hovering, as if waiting for him to say anything else, she moved out of his way and resumed whatever she was doing.

Len grabbed his bag and made a run for his room before she could try prodding him again. On the way up the stairs, his eye caught something out of place in his peripheral.

He paused halfway to glance over at the guest room below. The door was open, airing it out - all the crap that'd been piling up in there, collecting dust over the years, was gone. They rarely had guests over, so the room was never of use, anyway.

Huh. It was weird, though. Lily doing spring cleaning at the end of summer?

Nevertheless, he couldn't be bothered to question her about it. She did strange things like that, sometimes. He just continued upstairs to hide away in his room for the rest of the afternoon.

.

.

.

It was very late, and she knew too well what was in for her.

Her venture earlier that evening was planned out during a tedious Music class: she would sneak her way into a university student's party with the sugar-laced story that she was studying a major in Physics and intending on joining NASA to research extraterrestrial life after graduation.

Indeed, it was a laugh to conjure such a ludicrous tale that would never be true in a million years, but the thing was - people actually _fell_ for it.

While she was only 16 and just about as flat as a board, it was all-too-easy to fool people into thinking she was somewhat legal just by her choice of clothes and makeup. After nailing the looks, all one needed was a good life story, maybe the dead relative card, and impressive social skills to fool just about anyone.

The night went well, as always - she'd managed to snag the attention of a handful of people, consisting mostly of young men who were a little drunk and a lot sex deprived. They were targets that were _too_ easy - all she needed to do was memorise their faces, corner them later on and flirt them silly. She'd drop a hint, and off they'd go to somewhere with, er, a little more _privacy_.

Yes, it was the 'screw and shoo' tactic. A dirty game, but a dirty game Rin _loved_ to play. What crazy person _didn't_ enjoy the sound of someone moaning in pleasure under their influence? Honestly, there was more to sex than just the orgasm- which she rarely experienced, anyway. Harnessing the godlike power to have someone writhe and jizz under your control was all she needed.

Knowing that someone wanted _her_ to pleasure them was all she needed.

The first victim of her game, an unusual character with bright red hair and an… _interesting_ outfit. He was in his first year studying art - which explained his very much unique appearance. In a way, he somehow reminded her of Len; whether it was his personality or looks or otherwise, she couldn't exactly pinpoint what made them similar.

Then again, thinking of your _brother_ of all people while trying to give a guy some blow-job wasn't exactly the best thought. Uh.

Other than that, the guy wasn't a dirtbag, much to her delight. He was eccentric, but not unpolite. He even _asked_ first that it was okay to go anal - a rare spectacle, Rin mused - most guys would just shove it all in without even making a simple mention of it.

Anal wasn't usually her forte, but since he was just so sweet about it, she let him have it.

The game was going well. It was going _really_ well, until -

"Hey, where are you going?" He'd grabbed her wrist before she could escape to find her next victim.

Rin felt her cheeks grow warm. "To get a drink," she lied.

"Oh." Like he was aware of her other intentions to run away, he asked carefully, "Could I have your number? I really like you. It'd be great if we could catch up later."

There was a split moment of panic as the conversation was heading in a direction she didn't want it to. But she quickly gathered herself before he could notice and settled with, "Um, sorry. Even though you're a really lovely guy, I'm not really interested in a relationship at the moment. But I can still give you my number?"

The brutal truth turned him off immediately. "Er, no. It's alright. Never mind. Have a nice evening."

And off he went.

Rin sighed to herself. What was with the random guys who wanted to be normal and in a proper relationship with her? Clearly, if she was looking for a boyfriend, she wouldn't be so keen to suck a dick on first sight.

Psh. Boys.

From that point on, if she had to draw a graph of this night, the line would gradually decline from 'Really Good' to 'Well, Fuck This Shit'.

The second guy - well, he _seemed_ pretty okay at first. He was a foreigner from England, studying Japanese and teaching - he seemed rather passionate about his future occupation. He was cute, in a geeky sort-of-way; hiding amber eyes behind thick glasses and a lengthy blonde mop of hair.

He was well-mannered and a little hesitant to jump into bed with Rin at first, but she managed to convince him that it was a _great idea_.

Oh, God, if only she _knew_ what she was getting herself into.

After cumming all over her stomach, the boy looked into her eyes very lovey-dovey to ask, "Say, would you like to go on a date next week?"

No, no, no. No _nononono_ no.

Rin could admit there was a guilty pang in her chest when she let him down - before reminding herself that agreeing to a date would be a _very_ bad idea. Nevertheless, he wasn't too happy about the news. (Well, were they ever?)

You see, her disinterest in ever having a _serious_ , _romantic_ relationship was a thing that had started when she was very young.

Growing up in a household where love hardly existed, eventually she couldn't bare the thought of true love or a happy ending. It was all petty lies. It was all false hope to fill the minds of the weak. Love made her want to _vomit_ \- it was something she'd dreamt of in the past, and the past only. After seeing it in such an unpleasant way for most of her life, how could she ever manage to experience it herself?

She was never taught how to return feelings to another person - _she'd never seen it happen with her own eyes as a child._ It only was something that existed in fairytales - romance itself was dead, impossible. After all, it was better to be wanted for pleasure, rather than have your heart crushed in the hands of someone else, right? It was so much easier to do _this_ than have to fall in love with someone.

It was so much easier. She didn't trust anyone with her heart - a fragile ornament, so easily to break yet so difficult to fix again - so she would guard it like this, keep it safe.

That was why she did it. But people never really understood her tactics.

Her third, and final, victim was a music student who dreamed big over his rock band hitting mainstream.

At first, he seemed to be a little prude, hesitant to take her flirting seriously. However, that image soon changed - after finally coaxing him to follow her and finding a secluded place, he essentially started dry-humping her.

The bastard, though. It was at least three times he tried sneaking himself into her butt. How hard is it to _get the message?_ There was only so much buttsex a girl could take. Grow some manners, sheesh.

Other than _that_ annoying thing, he seemed mighty pleased with everything else. He must've been saving up for the zombie apocalypse or something, because five thrusts into the real deal, he exploded like Pompeii _all over her_.

She needed to go to the bathroom to sponge her clothes and hair clean because he seemed to have no courtesy to keep himself in one place, or at least aim away from her. It was like a chocolate fountain - a never ending flow of hot, sticky stuff. (Besides the fact that it tasted of salty sadness, rather than sweet goodness.)

Before Rin had made her escape to fix herself up, though, he stopped her with his hand.

"That was amazing," he said. "Would you like to go out for dinner and do this again sometime?"

The look in his eyes told her something she did _not_ want to know.

That. Was. It.

"Er, I don't do dates," she admitted honestly, tired of making white lies. What was the worst that could happen? She was being honest. "But I don't mind occasional hook ups, if that's what you're asking for?"

Apparently honesty was not the best policy, this time.

His expression turned into a scowl, behaviour going sour. It was like he was Doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Alarm bells started ringing in her heard.

"Oh, I see it now," he murmured, looming over her, voice low and menacing. "You're a _slut_. You were just using me as a live sex toy, huh? Stupid bitch."

Rin was taken aback by his sudden change of attitude - but it wasn't like this hadn't happened before. Nevertheless, she felt herself grow hot - not in the sexual way, either - it was like a bubbling, boiling sensation, sourcing from the pit of her stomach, ready to let loose.

She swallowed thickly, taking a steady breath, reminding herself to act calm. "A slut? Well, maybe I am. Maybe I _am_ a slut. But at least I can admit to it."

His eyes flashed, and though her senses dulled with alcohol, something told her to _run, run, run_.

So she did exactly that.

Fleeing the party from a crazy guy was not exactly her planned exit for the night - but it was better than a head injury or something along those lines. It wasn't the first time she'd ran for it, anyway - she was getting quite good at hasty exits.

 _Just another runner like your father_.

Rin's hand paused as she hovered over the door handle to the apartment, hearing the sound of the television running. An advertisement jingle shook her from her daze like a ghost of a memory she didn't want to remember. She immediately felt her blood run cold. The adrenalin from her previous panic drained out, slowly being replaced bit by bit with the familiar feeling of dread, like a game of tetris in her body.

The watch on her wrist read the time: 1:46.

God. What was _she_ doing awake, anyway?

Well, she knew the answer all too well, but she didn't want to admit it.

Inhaling shakily, Rin inserted the keys into the door as quietly as possible, hoping that maybe somehow by a miracle, the wretched woman would be asleep or wouldn't hear her come in.

She had the door open about a quarter of the way before a shadow loomed in the hall before her.

 _Shit_.

Her mother's aged face appeared, illuminated by the streetlight just outside. She folded her arms over her chest, lips pressed into a thin line, eyes narrowed so much that they could just about melt steel beams.

She was cornered.

"You're late," the woman finally stated. "Do you know what time it is, Rin? Do you _know?_ " She reached out to grab her wrist firmly, twisting it around roughly to shove the watch into her daughter's face, who winced in pain. "It's almost _two o'clock_. This is the third time this week you've come home this late. What have you been doing? I can smell alcohol and sweat on you."

Rin tried to steady her breathing, but all words failed her.

"Guilty. You can never fucking answer me, you disrespectful child. I _know_ what you've been doing - don't think I'm an _idiot_ because I can smell it all over you. How dare you think you're welcome in this household when you've been _slutting_ _around_ all night, trying to give me a bad name - how _dare_ you?"

Did you ever think, she mused, _you_ were the one giving yourself a bad name?

But oh no. She was _never_ the one in the wrong. Never. Ever.

Her mother's grip didn't loosen - if anything, grew even tighter, her nails digging into her skin. "That's all you're good for, I suppose, aren't you, Rin? Just like your father. Fucking useless. You're a prostitute and you're only 16! Why, _why_ did I ever have a daughter like you? So ungrateful, so useless, so filthy!"

Why, why? _Why why why? I'm not a prostitute, I swear I'm not -_ why? _I'm just never good enough for you. I'm always just useless to you_.

Rin swallowed hard, avoiding her eyes, and that was when she released her arm to grab a fistful of hair and tug it - _hard_.

"God, someone might as well think you're homeless - why don't I just kick you out right now, hm? I could - I could indeed, I don't know _why_ I'm keeping you here," the hag spat.

 _Why don't you just get rid of me, then?_ she wanted to challenge, but her tongue was heavy in her mouth; dead, as it always went when it came to the never ending flow of _compliments_ her mother seemed to say.

"You're lucky I'm a good mother who offers you a home to sleep in, eat in - but _god_ , you're so ungrateful you're never here _anyway_. You only come home when there's nothing left for you out there. You only come when there's no more boys to lay, huh?"

Good mother? In _what way_ are you a _good mother?_

Rin didn't realise she'd said those words aloud until the grip on her hair released and something hard smacked into her face. She stumbled, a hand moving to her stinging cheek where her mother had just returned the favour.

Her vision blurred, and she blinked back tears. She had to get out of there - get away from the _monster_.

"You bitch!" the woman screeched, and she reached out to grab her again, to hurt her _again_ , but she dodged her hand and tried to slip past her in a desperate attempt to run to her room. "Don't you _dare_ think of walking away from me, young lady! Come back here! You always run from the truth!"

Something gripped onto Rin's shirt and she swung around to slap it away.

"Leave me alone!" she exclaimed, her throat raw. Her heart was pounding. God, she felt like she was going to detonate like a bomb and obliterate everything in her wake - Mum and all.

 _Get out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here_.

"I could kick you out!" her mother yelled. "I could kick you out and take your keys and never let you in again! You _know_ that - _I'm_ the one in control, here!"

She was following her down the hallway, like a persistent kid wanting to pick a fight. The argument wasn't over - oh, it would _never_ be over.

Rin slammed her door shut behind her and locked it, moving her chest of drawers in front just in case the crazy lady would try to axe her way in.

"You better not come home with a baby one day, you slut, because I don't fucking want it," she continued from outside, as if the door wasn't a reason to just _give in for once_. "I never wanted bloody babies in the first place, anyway. I never wanted you or your brother. I hate you - I hate you _both_. You're nothing but a waste of money and time, Rin. You're useless. You mean _nothing_ to me. Next time around, I won't let you in. You'll have to fend for yourself."

 _You're useless. You mean_ nothing _to me._

"I know, I know, I know," Rin whispered to herself, blocking her ears and squeezing her eyes shut, attempting to escape this horrid place in her own mind. _As if_ she didn't live every waking day worrying about returning home to find that she'd been locked out and left to fend for herself. "But it's not like _you're_ perfect, right? You're a fucking hypocrite."

_Every time you say this, though - every time, and you'll always let me in again to tear me down and put yourself up on a pedestal._

It was a never ending cycle. She needed her there to crush beneath her foot, otherwise she'd be left alone to fight against her demons herself. And God knows what would happen - _God knows_.

Was she even human? Did she ever stop and think how much it _hurt_ to belittle another person? What did she gain out of this, even?

Rin could never understand. She would _never_ understand.

.

 _2014/09/17._ **Time:** _1:59AM_

' **S MINDFULNESS JOURNAL ENTRY**

Today…

**The last thing I ate was:**

**The last thing I drank was:**

**The last person I talked to was:** _her_

 **The last thing I did was:** be useless

Prompt #3: What are 30 things that make you smile?

im useless, this is why i was stuck with _her_. no one loves me, im so useless, this is why len has forgotten about me, this is why im such a disappointment to everyone

useless

please someone fucking hit me with a car for the love of me just get me outta here

 **Rate your current state of happiness out of ten:** (worst) 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 (best)

**Comment on your rating:**

Tips towards being mindful:

1\. Observe

2\. Describe

3\. Participate fully

4\. Be non-judgemental

5\. Focus on one thing at a time

**Have a mindful day!**


	2. the moment i opened my mouth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprised at the kudos this got, thank you for reading!
> 
> t/w for suicidal ideation and self harm in this chapterrrr

The party's loud bass was still pulsating through her head as if she were still there, lost in the crowd, spinning her thoughts and her surroundings.

Steadily, Rin lowered herself down onto the curb of the park to sober up a little, her insides sloshing uncomfortably. A young family walking by stared as she bent forward to cradle her head in her hands. _Look at that girl, look at the mess she is, don't be like her - don't, don't._

It was always fun for a while - until you crashed and burned in an alcohol-induced depression.

Sniffing, she fumbled for her purse and pulled out a polaroid image, faded and torn at the edges. Rin had discovered it buried in a shoebox the other weekend, hidden for years from the cold eyes of her mother.

_It was the only one Mum didn't find_.

She'd thought that all the photographs before the divorce had either been destroyed or taken with her dad. But she'd forgotten completely about this one she'd hidden all those years ago.

Hidden to forget.

The polaroid picture, tiny in the palm of her hand, contained the smiling faces of her and her brother taken during a day at Disneyland. It was so small, yet had the power to harness an overwhelming reminiscence of good (and bad) memories.

It was so simple back then - back before it all turned dark and she couldn't no longer see the future - _her future_.

Rin closed her fist around the photograph, ready to throw it away from her - _who needed to remember the past, the better times, who needed it_ \- but stopped herself and steadied her breathing.

It was supposed to be a fun day at the acclaimed 'Happiest Place on Earth' with some friends and their parents. And it really was the Happiest Place on Earth. For a while, anyway.

She'd conned Len, who seemed hesitant about the entire venture for a good reason, into buying a matching hat with her.

_You're Donald. I'll be Daisy._

Eventually, after many pouts and tugs and guilt trips, she won over his reluctance. The hats costed all their allowance, but it seemed worth it at the time. Except it couldn't rid of the permanent concerned expression that seemed to fall over the boy's face sometimes, which frustrated her to no end.

Forgetting _home_ was too easy for her - and yet, he couldn't. She'd tried to ignore it, tried to let herself _have fun_ for a while.

So, with everything else shoved aside, the day couldn't get any better. Nothing could bring her down from her high.

(She wanted to stay there and become one of the princesses. Life for them just seemed so _easy_.)

Indeed, nothing could bring her down - except her mother.

Len's concerned expression had reminded her of an unfortunate reality during the trip home. She'd tried to lighten up the atmosphere in hopes he could, you know, _smile_ \- but even she had a tight feeling in her chest as they dragged their feet up to the door of their home that afternoon. She always had that feeling when she knew something was going to go wrong.

She'd let down her guard, and now she'd take double the damage.

When their mother had answered the door, she was fuming, eyes ablaze.

Despite the eerie silence, there were sounds coming from inside - things being slammed, tossed, turned over - confirming that Dad was home, too. Somehow, from years of experience and having been in the midst of the never-ending family feud, Rin had known all too well they'd been fighting.

"Where have you been?" the woman had demanded, cheeks flushed.

Len had already cowered, pulling his hat from his head as if trying to eliminate all the evidence of their fun day - their one-and-only day of freedom.

Rin swallowed, but her mouth had gone dry. "W-we told you we were going to Disneyland -"

"No you didn't!" the woman cut in, voice cracking. Her fingers had tightened on the frame of the door, skin turning pallid. "I would never let you go there!"

Before the girl could speak up to defend herself and Len, he'd interjected, "We did! We told you this morning we were going with -"

Rin would never knew who they went with. She'd hardly blinked, and her brother was on the ground by her feet clutching his face, looking pale. Her mother's hand was raised, and immediately she swallowed any words she wanted to say.

Len had merely whimpered in response. But she couldn't do anything. She couldn't move. Nothing.

"Don't backchat me!" their mother exclaimed. Her eyes were flashing - and any trace of love or compassion was gone, swallowed up by pure hatred. "Both of you know I would never let you go to such a place. It's just all a waste of money - it's precious, not worth this - this _shit._ " She tugged Rin's hat off her head and tossed it aside, disgusted. "Unless you're earning it, you have no right to waste it on useless crap like this. None of you have _any_ concept of how expensive and demanding you two already are.

"Both of you are grounded for a month. No ifs or buts."

Just like that, so easy, the day had been ruined. It was torn, it was burned, it was lost forever. Reality had crashed down on her shoulders with the force of a ten tonne slab of concrete, and there she'd lain, bruised and battered, dead and nothing.

Len couldn't look her in the eye for a while after that. It was like it was all her fault.

(And it _was_. If only she hadn't been so _ruthless_ , so _useless_ -)

Their hats had disappeared, mysteriously or not so, a few months after that event. Her brother claimed he gave his away, but Rin's he had no clue about apparently. Or maybe he did, but he didn't want to admit it.

"Why'd you give it away?" she'd demanded. It had stung, a thousand punches to her chest. She didn't really know why, but -

"It just reminded me of bad things, Rin," he'd answered simply, expression eerily hollow.

\- but it felt like he'd given away something of hers, too, for the same reason.

(It was her heart.)

That was why the stupid photograph had to be forgotten.

But she couldn't bring herself to throw it away. It was so happy at first glance - so for now, she'd pretend it wasn't the disaster it became.

_You threw me away before I even realised it._

.

.

.

It caught him by surprise when _Lui_ , of _all people_ , asked if he would be interested in a party held at Yuuma's on the weekend.

"Yeah, man," the redhead answered when Len had to double check he wasn't kidding. "I got these sick shades on Thursday afternoon - I wanna see if I can catch the eye of any cute ladies."

What. Why.

Well, Len didn't really question his logic, because he wanted to go to the party, too. What Lui wanted to do wasn't really his problem. At least he had a reason this time to go to a party.

Perhaps things were changing for the better, after all.

A senior - Kaito - was acting as the party's security when they arrived, checking everyone's student IDs before allowing them inside.

"Oh, shit," cursed Lui on realising this. "I didn't know we had to bring ID. Did you bring ID?"

Len felt a little lightheaded at the thought of walking up to the door, only to be turned away and humiliated in front of everyone. He took a breath. "Nope. I don't go to parties, Lui. Do you?" He side-glanced his friend, who laughed back a little uncertainly.

"Let's just, um, play cool," the boy suggested, sounding jittery. "Maybe if we act confident he'll believe us."

_Yeah right_ , Len mused with a snort.

Before he could make a run for it, though, Kaito saw them lurking in the distance and cocked his eyebrow, folding lean arms over his chest. "What brings you here tonight, gentlemen? I don't often see you two at fun social events."

"I - um, I have some new moves," Lui blurted, trying his best to 'act cool' (but failing miserably). "Like, I need to test them out and see if the ladies like them or not."

The bluenette laughed. "Are you high, man?"

Before his friend could say anything else that would humiliate him, Len interjected, "He forgot his ID and thinks acting like an idiot would win you over."

Lui scoffed, opening his mouth to deny the claim, but Kaito leant forward to hiss, "Oh. Forgot his ID? Well, I know you kids from the baseball club, and you seem like the least likely to create a ruckus, so I'll let you in. Only this time, though. Don't tell anyone I did this or I'll get shit."

He winked at the pair and stepped aside, allowing them in.

Len released a breath he didn't realise he'd been holding.

"Damn," Lui said. "That guy's cool. What's his name?"

"Kaito," he responded. "He's a part of Yuuma and Miku's group."

The redhead whistled. " _Nice_. I like him." He was soon distracted by the sight of an esky filled with beer cans. "Alcohol! Sweet. Did you want a drink, Len?"

He glanced at the esky. They had to pay ￥200 in order to take one. From memory, there were a few coins rotting in his wallet - one drink wouldn't really matter. "Yeah, alright," he replied, pulling out his pocket to give him his change. "Just one, though." He knew his dad would kick his ass if he came home drunk.

Lui left to fetch some beer, and after bumming Len's drink off he disappeared to chase after some girls, leaving the blonde to wander aimlessly by himself.

He took a sip of the bitter drink and screwed up his nose. He wasn't too keen on beer, in all honesty - but he didn't want to be the only one not drinking.

At least now he only looked like some friendless, lonely loser - not a friendless, lonely loser who refused to drink or smoke or make bad choices.

In the midst of his exploration and observation of the life of the party, he found himself upstairs. Down the end of the hall, there were bedrooms - heaven forbid he walk down there and have a lesson on human mating rituals. It also reeked suspiciously - he didn't want to think of what he was inhaling.

Just before Len returned back downstairs, familiar voices stopped him in his place.

He turned his head towards the sound of shouting to see Miku and Yuuma arguing in the doorway of the bathroom. Yuuma was looming over the petite tealette, a dark look in his eyes - his girlfriend stared back up at him, nostrils flaring.

At first, he couldn't really make sense of what was going on, or what exactly they were arguing about - then Miku snatched a snaplock bag of white power from Yuuma's grasp with a scowl, before disappearing into the bathroom with Meiko, a senior, and another girl.

Yuuma started banging his fists against the door. Len felt himself stiffen, fearing he'd turn around and start hitting _him._ "Ya fuckin' bitch!" he yelled, deep voice making the walls vibrate. "Those are _my_ drugs, fuckin' hell!"

No matter how much yelling and hitting he did, his girlfriend refused to emerge. Eventually, the boy gave up and stormed off, eyes narrowing at Len on the way past.

A second drink and an hour or so later, Miku finally emerged from the bathroom.

Len was standing near the door, having small talk with Kaito to pass the time when it happened: like a sixth sense, Yuuma soon appeared to abuse Miku at the bottom of the stairs.

The party had gone awfully quiet, people nearby watching as the couple clash in the worst way possible. Even Kaito stopped mid-sentence to overlook the scene.

Yuuma had a firm grip on his girlfriend's wrist so she couldn't run like last time. She seemed a little fidgety, unstable, like she wasn't really all _there_. He leaned down into her face. "Give it _back_ , you little bitch," he hissed.

Miku laughed, but it wasn't her usual laugh. It made Len's skin crawl - something wasn't right. "Give back _what?_ " she said.

Her boyfriend tugged her arm, sending her stumbling slightly. "You know what. My fuckin' cocaine."

Oh.

The tealette showed the slightest bit of disagreement, and that was enough to crack Yuuma. He began screaming, "Give it back! _Give it back!_ " like a child having a tantrum, shaking her back and forth roughly.

The fight then escalated, and Len had hardly a moment to process what was happening until Miku had been shoved to the floor.

Something in him snapped, and he moved forward to the infuriated guy in one swift movement, fist slamming into his cheek, sending him back.

_Ow ow ow ow ow - his face is like a bag of bricks_.

Len took a step back, realising what he'd just done. Yuuma himself seemed surprised by the blow - or maybe he was just intoxicated or high, he didn't know. He glanced over at Miku, who was trying to push herself up off the ground, before grabbing the tealette and yanking her onto her feet.

She blinked dazedly at him, before looking over at her boyfriend who was clutching his face.

Everything seemed to turn to blur.

Lui appeared, having seen it all, and quickly ushered the two out the front door - not without copping a glare from Kaito who rushed to his friend's aid - before Yuuma could retaliate.

"What the fuck," the redhead was saying, over and over again, as he dragged them down the path speedily towards the train station. "Wait - _what the fuck?_ How did I take _her_ with me, too?" He'd just only realised Miku was the other arm he escaped with.

The tealette giggled, stumbling as he released her like she was on fire. Len reached out to steady her.

"Well there's no point in her staying there to get KO'd by Yuuma, Lui," the blonde pointed out.

"Yeah, but running away with his girlfriend after hitting him in the face only means _you'll_ be the one getting KO'd, Len," Lui retorted. "Seriously, what the _fuck_ , man. I wanted to go to a party and find myself a girlfriend - _not_ start a fight club." He glanced over his shoulder warily. "We better move fast before they come after us."

"They won't," Miku spoke up reassuringly, words slurring, and although confident in her response, her behaviour didn't make it all that convincing. She turned to Len. "What you did back there was very brave, Len. Thank you - thank you so much." She gave him a pretty smile, eyelids drooping in the slightest.

He reminded himself that she was just as off her face as Yuuma was. _Great_ , he mused. "Uh, where's your house? I'll take you home so you can get back safely."

The girl tilted her head innocently with a pout. "Er, actually…" she began nervously. "Would it be alright if I stay at your place tonight? I just… I don't want to go home, in case… In case…" She trailed off, jerking her head back in the direction of Yuuma's house.

Len hesitated. She seemed pretty worried about it.

"...Okay. Sure."

He hoped that Dad and Lily would be fine with it - it wasn't like he'd exactly planned to bring anyone home with him from the party - especially _Miku Hatsune_.

They slowed to a stop at the station, and Lui turned to the pair. The anger he had shown earlier was long forgotten, being replaced a mischievous glint in his eyes - he knew that his friend was thinking dirty about Miku going home with him.

"Well, that was a disaster, so I'll have to leave you two be," he announced. He winked at the boy. "Have a nice night, _ladiessss_."

After he had sauntered off to the opposite platform to theirs, the blonde turned to his companion. "Just ignore him - he's probably drunk."

Miku giggled prettily. "It's okay - I'm a little drunk myself."

Well, more than just drunk, Len commented in his mind. "Uh," he began, "I kind of live out of town. Is that alright with you? It's about an hour to get there."

"Oh? It's not a problem," the tealette ensured smoothly. Her expression hardly wavered, like it was set in stone. She licked her lips. "Thank you again for letting me crash at your place."

He watched her carefully. "It's no biggie. Uh, just - I've never brought a girl home before, so if you start getting asked questions, don't worry too much, you know?"

She smiled at him something blinding, as if she understood. "I won't."

The way home was painfully long, having Miku beside him the whole time. He could hear her every breath, smell her distinct perfume and feel her shoulder brush against his every so often. It was as if all his senses were heightened with her around him.

Len felt lightheaded again when they reached his house - but this time he was sure it was the alcohol. Miku seemed to be fine, though - or well, sobering up, at least.

"Wow, nice place," she commented as he unlocked the door.

"Um, thanks," he mumbled. For some reason he'd always imagined her living in some upclass, futuristic mansion-like place - or at least somewhere better than here, so it was weird to think she'd like it.

Nervously, he watched as she took in her surroundings, eyes scanning the shelves and very few family portraits. He hated when people did this - it always brought up the most awkward conversations. She stopped at a portrait of a younger Rin and him.

"Who's that?" She squinted at the photograph. "A cousin? You two look really alike."

"It's my sister," Len told her, sounding a little dry. "We're twins."

"Oh? You have a sister?" she asked in that tone everyone had when the topic was raised - _Where is she? Why isn't she at your school? Is she dead or something?_

He gave a curt nod, not really wanting to go into detail of his broken family. Thankfully - or not so - before he could get to that, the hall light switched on and Lily appeared, looking a little weary.

Ah, shit. He must've woken his parents up.

"Len?" His stepmother's eyes fell on Miku. "Who's… this?" She then turned around to glance at the time. It was around midnight. "Hm? I thought you were going to be out later… you could've been a little more quiet, though."

"Sorry," Len murmured sheepishly. "Oh, and um, this is Miku. A friend." He made specific emphasis on the word _friend_ to avoid misunderstanding - something Lily and Dad were all too good at. He recalled the first time they met Miki, assuming they were dating. "Is it alright if she stays the night?"

Lily looked back at Miku, who gave her a sweet smile. She raised an eyebrow at Len.

"...Sure. She can use the guest room - I just cleaned that out the other week."

"Ah," he said, like he never noticed. But he did. And it still bugged him as to why she'd do something so random - yet it was such a typical Lily thing to do. "Awesome. Thank you."

His stepmother gave the pair a tired smile. "No problem, but please be quiet, or else your father will be down here next." The tone of her voice told them a firm warning. "Goodnight." She then disappeared back upstairs to their bedroom.

Once Lily was out of earshot, Miku leant in, stifling a giggle. "Was that your mum? She looks really young."

Len stiffened a little, then relaxed, leading her across the house to the guest room. "Oh, no - she's my stepmum. We're not related." _Well, no duh,_ a voice said in his head.

He stopped in the doorway, stepping aside to allow Miku enter. "A futon is okay, right?" He gestured to the folded mattresses in the corner of the room.

She turned back to look up at him through long lashes, twisting a strand of hair around her finger. " _Sure_ ," she cooed, her voice going soft. Her eyes twinkled. "It's fine, uh, Lenny? Can I call you Lenny?" She then chuckled airily.

His heart melted a little. A nickname? Why the hell not. "Um, yeah. You can - you can call me anything," he blurted, before realising how cheesy that sounded. His cheeks burned.

Miku moved towards him, and in the most slightest motion, her hand brushed against his crotch. He froze on the spot, allowing her hot breath to fan across his neck and face, sending goosebumps over his skin. She then laughed again, a little embarrassed realising what she'd just done. "Ah, I'm sorry - just not with it tonight. I think I'll go to sleep."

She then moved away to peel off her clothes, lifting her shirt over her head in one swift motion as if forgetting he was there, watching her. Her hands moved to her waist to tear off her jeans, and that was when Len finally came back to Earth and reminded himself _ogling_ at Miku Hatsune undressing _was not_ how he wanted to be remembered by.

"Oh oh oh _okay_ \- um, well, goodnight," he choked out, feeling a certain, familiar heat rushing to the pit of his stomach - and further south. "I'm going to go to bed too, I guess."

The girl glanced over at him curiously, allowing him a front view of perfectly rounded breasts fitted into a pretty bra, all the while sliding the denim down her smooth, milky white thighs. He turned away as fast as he could to escape, shutting the door behind him, hoping to the high heavens she hadn't noticed the growing bulge in his trousers.

Not cool. Not cool. _Not cool_.

Len escaped to his room before anyone else could see him, locking his bedroom door behind him and squeezing his eyes shut, trying to rid the image of Miku's _amazing_ and _delicious_ and _flawless_ half-naked body.

But to no avail, his mind kept focusing back on her breasts, imagining them without the goddamned boob holders there to censor them - imagining running his fingers over her soft, pale skin and teasing her nipples, hearing her moan his name.

Oh. _God._ Not. Cool.

Yet the new information was too good to be true, and he had to give in. Quickly, quietly, he unbuttoned his pants and yanked them down to his ankles, cool night air hitting his hot, sweaty skin. Shakily, he pulled himself into a familiar rhythm of self-pleasure and petty fantasies, dreaming of what he would've liked to happen, had he not hightailed it from the guest room before anything more could take place.

Right now, she was all he wanted. And it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair at all.

He'd fallen under her spell all over again.

.

.

.

_2014/10/09._ **Time:** _11:43PM_

' **S MINDFULNESS JOURNAL ENTRY**

Today…

**The last thing I ate was:**

**The last thing I drank was:**

**The last person I talked to was:**

**The last thing I did was:** get expelled

Prompt #4: Make a list of the people in your life who genuinely support you, and who you can genuinely trust.

no one. because nobody cares.

i just dont give a shit anymore. it was my Last Chance, i blew it. i finally blew it, i finally ruined my life all the way

i dunno. i dunno how i should feel. im angry. im sad. im happy. im confused. i dunno what i gained from this

i dunno.

mum had grilled me. right down. had stepped on me and smothered me like a cigarette, squashed me until i was flat and no longer useful

it hurt so much. it hurt so much even though i knew i kinda deserved it because all ive ever done is nothing right but for once i just wanted someone to care but no one does no one cares they wouldnt even care if i died

why dont i just die

i dont know

i was ready for it and everything

i had the emergency kisses ready. the kiss of metal on my wrists, the razor blades i bought one day on a whim in case the thoughts had become too much and the alcohol would stop working and it was time to finally silence them all. and i was really gonna do it. i had one right there- i could feel it cold against my skin and i could hear the angels, or the devils, or whatever, singing out to me. i just wanted to close my eyes and for it to be all over

but i didnt do it. i couldnt do it. and now its staring at me, a little bloody but nevertheless not bloody enough, telling me what a coward i am for not going through with the pact

it was just - i was so ready to Do It. i was so ready to take this family down with one final blow. these stupid fuckers wouldnt know what hit them.

and it was just that last second before i got too deep that i thought of him. of Len. that number one stupid fucker.

fuck him.

(but also dont do that.)

it was like i tasted something sour when he came to mind - i had to stop. it was like he was watching me or something. i had to throw it away from me. i was suddenly so disgusted and i

i just dont know

maybe im just a coward, using Len as an excuse. i dunno why the thought of him stopped me. beats me. i dunno

maybe it was just that deep down - deep deep down, i hoped that maybe somehow just perchance he was the only person who maybe didnt think of me as a disappointment for wanting to destroy everything and everyone including

myself

maybe. maybemaybemaybe.

but i dunno. i dunno anymore. im just being stupid like always. i dunno why i keep hanging around hoping for something good to happen - a miracle

there is no such thing as miracles in this world.

**Rate your current state of happiness out of ten:** (worst) 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 (best)

**Comment on your rating:**

Tips towards being mindful:

1\. Observe

2\. Describe

3\. Participate fully

4\. Be non-judgemental

5\. Focus on one thing at a time

**Have a mindful day!**

.

.

.

Dad looked grim at dinner. The scowl etched into his face made him only appear older.

Len knew something was up - something not good, judging by the expressions on his and Lily's faces.

_Oh no_ , he thought, _please don't tell me… something has happened to Rin… Oh God. Please don't tell me - oh, oh God._

The conversation started with Lily announcing, "Len, your father has some news."

"What news?" His voice came out muffled, speaking with his mouth full of rice. He was forcing it down, but it was hard to swallow, hard to keep himself from wanting to regurgitate it all over the dinner table. So he just kept cramming it in.

The room was silent for a few moments - his father hadn't even spoken up to chastise him about table manners.

He paused. "I'm guessing bad news?"

Lily seemed to read his mind and gave him a reassuring, yet sort-of-forced smile. "Don't worry. It's nothing really bad - it's just… not good."

Huh.

"Your sister," Dad began evenly, finally speaking up, "was expelled again for throwing a desk at a teacher and trying to blow up the gymnasium."

Oh.

The word accidentally left his lips - " _Wow_."

His father narrowed his eyes, expressing turning stern. "No - _not_ 'wow', Len," he responded firmly. "Your mother is so sick of dealing with her, she's claiming she's going to send her here because she can't stand her misbehaviour and disrespect anymore."

...What? Rin… moving in with _them?_ An image of a newspaper headline came to mind - _Crazy Teenage Girl Murders Family_. He quickly removed the thought, though, knowing that it was cruel. He wasn't really sure anymore what he thought of his sister.

She sounded like she wouldn't hesitate to slit his throat, if anything.

Len paused. "Wait - doesn't that just mean we have to put up with her instead, then?" he asked. "If she's really that bad, then wouldn't she have difficulty getting into a school…?"

His dad shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "Well, I made an educated guess that something like this would happen and not long ago made an enrolment enquiry at your school when I first heard wind of her being expelled. Your school claims they have services that cater for 'troubled teens' like her and said they're willing to accept her as a second chance - not to mention, _you're_ a good kid, so."

"Oh," was all he could say. He'd honestly never thought on it much - Rin having to come here to live with them. It was always something he'd deemed 'never', since his mother had been so clingy when the divorce happened. "So, she'll be coming?"

"Probably," Leon responded. "It's hard discussing this through a third party like your aunt, you know, since your mother refuses to talk to me one-on-one."

Len didn't know what else to say, so he resumed eating his dinner in silence.

He couldn't help but feel concerned about Rin. She really _was_ going down - definitely not in a good way. Even though he didn't agree with her, you know, behavior or whatever, the thought of her moving here was growing on him.

At least this time, he would be there for her, to help her for once - considering within the past five or so years he hadn't the chance to do that or at least show support somewhat. Part of him was nervous because he didn't know what to expect - but another part, a part more fond of her, was excited to finally reunite with his sister.

Lily seemed strangely excited about this, too, he noticed. He wasn't sure why, though - considering Rin was beginning to sound a little like the stepdaughter slash sister from hell, wouldn't she be more scared about how she'd treat her?

He knew all too well that they'd be the first ones to clash.

Staring up at the ceiling of his bedroom, imagining a world where he had to share the bathroom with someone other than himself was strange. It reminded him of distant, faded, long forgotten memories that were still a little raw to think about.

"Rin, sis," he mumbled to himself, musing the nicknames he used to give her as a kid. None of them seemed to apply to the her _now_ , though. He sighed, rubbing his temples. "What has Mum _done_ to you…?"

.

.

.

It was a long train ride.

Not just literally - but figuratively, too.

She hadn't much time to think before being essentially bummed off and sent far away by her so-called _maternal_ mother. She'd hardly blinked an eye, and her things were packed up and waiting for her at the door when she came home one morning after avoiding the wrath of home for three days.

"Your aunt is taking you to the station. She'll give you the details of the way to your father's. I don't want to see you again," her mother had told her, eyes cold.

_I can't stand you anymore. You're his responsibility as well - so he can deal with your selfish tantrums instead._

Dad didn't want her. She knew that. No one wanted her. So where was she going?

She glanced out the window, watching the world whir past. This was the last train she had to take before reaching the station, where apparently someone would be waiting to drive her home. She felt an awful lot like there wouldn't be anyone, though - she was stranded, like a piece of driftwood in the wide, rough ocean waters.

The landscape outside had replaced city streets with nature - green and lush and almost devoid of human life. She wasn't used to the sight. She hadn't travelled out of Tokyo since her fifth year in elementary for a school-related excursion.

Rin saw her reflection in the window gazing back at her. Quickly, she scowled. The once-attractive girl in the window returned the favour.

She didn't know why she felt so freaking down about it. It wasn't like there was anything left in Tokyo, anyway - besides Mum and a few guys who enjoyed her services. She had no friends. Her relatives didn't care about her. Most people hated her.

Well, except Just Call Me Yukai, maybe - who'd sent her an email the day prior urging her to stay in contact with her. How she discovered her email or why she even bothered were questions Rin couldn't find answers for. There was no point. _As if_ she'd actually respond.

She sighed, breath fogging the window.

Her train of thought moved on to Len as she remembered that _he_ could possibly be the one waiting for her on the other end. _Yikes._ Her skin crawled at the thought of ever having to see him - even _Dad_ , even the stepmonster she knew absolutely nothing about.

She didn't want to go to that bastard's house, where he had just forgotten everything and moved on; only ruining this family even more. She hated them, she absolutely _despised_ them and she just - couldn't _stand_ it. It made her skin crawl.

If only she killed herself. If only she did that.

But she didn't, and here were her consequences for being a mere coward.

The train slowed to a stop at a small, rundown station - the one she was supposed to get off at. Immediately, her knees locked up and she couldn't breathe, couldn't move. She stayed put.

Slowly, one by one, she watched the last of the passengers shuffle off, before the train was completely empty. She looked down at her bags and inhaled shakily.

_Act as hostile and distant as you can. You don't need them - you don't_ want _them._

Yet there was still a tiny voice in her head telling her, _They won't come for you. They're not here. They don't want a burden like you. There's no one waiting for you. No one wants a useless person like you._

And, somehow, she was really starting to believe it.

Rin, with her many bags, trudged out of the station, only stopping before the ticket gate to fumble for her card. After scanning it and squeezing through the barricades, trying to prolong having to look up and see the horrible truth that no one really _was_ waiting for her - she heard a voice call her name.

That was when she looked up, hoping it was her the unknown person was calling.

A thin, blonde woman - no older than mid-thirties, probably - was gazing at her, a look of uncertainty on her face. She was dressed in a one of those vintage-style dresses, patterned with bright colours - she looked a little like the topping of a pavlova, funnily enough. Standing beside her was a boy around her age - and it took her no more than a second to recognise that it was Len.

She quickly replaced the look of surprise with a scowl.

The woman - she was guessing who was the stepmonster, Lily or something like that - hesitated, before Len spoke up quietly, "No, no - it's her."

He looked uncomfortable, like he had somewhere else better to be. Well, yeah, why wouldn't he? He was having to deal with his long-forgotten, unimportant sister. Duh.

Rin made extra care to hold a resentful gaze towards him especially.

The more she glared, the more she took in Len's features: he'd grown, most certainly, over the past five or so years. His hair was a little longer, messier, darker than it was. He had prominent cheekbones that, despite puberty's blessing, still made him look a little bit feminine. As always, he had those long, dark lashes that irritated her to no end - and one eyebrow with that funny, uneven quirk she'd remembered him having years ago.

To put it straight - puberty made Len prettier. It was annoying. _Really_ annoying. Puberty never worked that way in Rin's favour; she looked like she'd crawled out of an incinerator when she wore no makeup.

Lily cleared her throat, drawing her attention back to her stepmother. "How was your trip, Rin?" she asked, attempting to be polite.

Yuck. No thank you. She clamped her mouth shut and continued staring at the pair.

Had the stepmonster always been so young? Maybe it was because she hadn't had kids yet. Yeah - that was probably it.

After realising the girl wasn't going to give an answer, she tried, "Would you like us to carry any bags?"

Rin's grip tightened on the handles of her luggage. "No."

The woman blinked, before brushing off her abruptness as if it'd gone over her head. "Well, alright," she said simply. "Let's go home, then."

And she and Len just walked off.

What the hell.

Frown deepening, she trudged after the pair as they lead the way to the car.

Usually, if she acted like this with her own mother, she'd probably yell at her for at least an hour afterwards. The stepmonster, on the other hand, certainly was… _calm_ , to say the least.

Rin didn't like that - she didn't want to be nice to that woman _at all_. She was only another reason why her family _was not_ a family. Her acting the opposite of an enemy would only make it harder to give her hell.

She was so busy mulling over this new factor, she didn't notice Len trying to tug her suitcase from her hand. "Um," he was mumbling, waving a hand in front of her face. "Rin? You know, you kind of need to let go of it now, because it won't fit in the back seat with you."

"Huh," she said into his face.

His lips formed a straight line. "The bag," he pointed out, eyes darting downwards. "It's time to _let it go_."

On cue, she released it, and he turned away to cram it into the boot of the car.

"I could've done that myself, you know," she told him.

"Well, you were too busy staring into the distance with that grumpy expression of yours, so I decided to do it for you," he responded, slamming the door shut. He hesitated, taking a breath. "But if you insist you're capable of lifting bags yourself, next time I won't."

Rin licked her lips. _He_ certainly wasn't taking her shit today.

She wasn't sure whether she was entertained by that or not.

Before they left the train station, Lily told Len to climb into the back seat with Rin so she 'didn't feel left out'. Well, whatever - either way she'd still feel left out considering she was stuck with crazy lady for _five years_. That was time _no one_ could get back. Not even her.

The boy followed his stepmother's orders obediently, but didn't seem too chuffed having to sit in the back with her.

After that, the ride home was mostly in silence.

Mostly.

When they were about halfway there, the stepmonster started to blab again. "Leon wanted to pick you up, but since your arrival was so short of notice he couldn't organise to get time off from work. He should be home later this evening, though."

Rin said nothing. Lily took that as a signal to shut up, thankfully.

Len side-glanced at her a few times, almost as if he was trying to read her emotions. She focused on looking as straight-faced as possible, watching his every move in her peripheral like a hawk. He opened his mouth at one point, as if wanting to speak, but seemed to decide against it.

When her brother showed no signs of entertaining her anymore, she turned her interest to the window and the outside world.

The town - her new home - was like a hole of human labour and wannabe-Ghibli movies. Everywhere and everything was either a farm, mountain or some other disgusting feature of nature. It was as if she was a little girl again, whisked away to a different world to explore and discover magical friends - except, she wasn't a little girl anymore and she certainly wasn't making any friends.

Then she looked at Len again, who seemed to be doing the same - gazing outside - and wondered whether _he_ had friends.

Well, of course he did.

Like he knew Rin was watching him, he looked back at her and rose an eyebrow as if to say, _What?_

She narrowed her eyes and glanced away. End of silent conversation.

They arrived home and the strained smiles resumed, alongside more awkward conversations. Once she hauled her bags out of the car and dragged them to the front door after Len - who seemed to dash inside suspiciously fast - she stopped in the hallway, meeting the horror deemed _family portraits_ lining the walls and shelves.

Yes, as she guessed, they also had ones from before the divorce.

Rin couldn't remember the last time the saw the photos - apart from when she found her mother burning them in the kitchen one night - but the images brought back nostalgia.

And pain, which wasn't that unusual.

Lily had walked up behind her. "I cleaned out the guest room for you," she announced, and Rin started, turning to her with yet another grimace. She noticed the stepmonster falter a little. "It wouldn't be fair you living here and not having a room to yourself. So you can settle right in, Rin."

She swallowed, her eyes wandering back across the house to where Len was standing - in a doorway to another room. He nodded his head at her, as if to motion for her to move forward.

"This is where I'm sleeping?" she asked after entering the spare bedroom and dumping all her things at her feet.

Len watched her cautiously. "Er, yeah," he answered. He seemed to wait for her to say something else, but she only continued staring at him, so he pointed over at the corner of the room at the a storage cupboard. "The futon is in the cupboard, just so you know. And, um -"

"Thanks," Rin interrupted. He stopped speaking and blinked at her, stunned silent. Truthfully, she just wanted his annoying face to disappear along with all her memories of that day - but he showed no sign of leaving.

Taking his silence to her advantage, she grabbed the handle of the door and his eyes darted to her hand, as if he knew what was to come next. Nevertheless, he didn't try to stop her.

"I'm good, so you can leave me alone," she told him dryly, and with a bitter smile, she slammed the door in his face.

A few moments later, Len continued his explanation through the door, "And uh, the bathroom is upstairs on your right. Don't go left. That's my room." It went quiet, and she thought he was _finally_ done pestering her, until she heard him add under his breath, " _Jeez_ , I'm so glad to see you _too_ , Len."

She smirked to herself, feeling accomplished - but at the same time, the gesture felt a little like something sharp was tearing her insides apart.

Len didn't pester her for the rest of the afternoon.

.

_2014/10/13._ **Time:** _8:32PM_

rin' **S MINDFULNESS JOURNAL ENTRY** ?

Today…

**The last thing I ate was:** dinner

**The last thing I drank was:** water

**The last person I talked to was:** dad

**The last thing I did was:** want to crawl out the window and run into the hills to never return

Prompt #5: Using 10 words, describe yourself.

please get me out of here, i hate this place

**Rate your current state of happiness out of ten:** (worst) 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 (best)

**Comment on your rating:** honestly, still not on the scale.

Tips towards being mindful:

1\. Observe

2\. Describe

3\. Participate fully

4\. Be non-judgemental

5\. Focus on one thing at a time

**Have a mindful day!**


	3. lead in your eyelids

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for len inserting his dick into a vagina and touching himself, ill just leave it at that

* * *

PART II

.

.

.

Rin.

Every time he heard her name, a surge of dread would fill the pit of his stomach, heavy and thick and uncomfortable.

It wasn't that he hated her. He didn't hate her.

It was just - _difficult_. So, so difficult.

Len desperately wanted to reach out to her. He wanted to mend the broken bond between them, to make everything as normal as it could be, to take away the pain eating at her troubled soul. But at the same time, he felt completely and utterly _helpless_.

There was only so much a human could handle, being shut out the way she did to him. He knew it was just her - her way of _coping_ , probably - but… hell. He had feelings too. It was exhausting. It was upsetting. It was frustrating.

He hoped that she wouldn't take everything out on him like a punching bag when she moved in, but it seemed that was all she ever did.

Humans are fragile: the lengths someone would go to protect themselves could inevitably hurt everyone else in the meantime. _But I guess that's what happens when you're a part of the mix, huh_ , he mused.

Len glanced at his sister standing in the bathroom, angrily brushing away at her teeth. She was dressed in her school uniform - which was a good sign, at least. He didn't want to imagine Lily having to force her into her clothes. Perhaps she felt the same and got dressed for the sake of avoiding that scenario, too.

When he looked away, he felt a pair of eyes on him - she could probably sense he was watching her. Her stare didn't feel hostile, or anything. It was almost as if she was _curious_ , or something.

Rin was strange like that. It was like she wanted to hate him, or completely dismiss his existence, or make him _believe_ she did, anyway - but every now and again, the facade would fall just for a few seconds. Something that would remind him of the sister he once knew would flicker to the surface, even just momentarily, before being hidden by all that hatred once again.

He could always feel her staring, always, whenever she thought he wasn't paying attention. Every action was made with caution, as if she _couldn't be caught not being angry_ , or something. It was a little funny to think about - if he suddenly pulled a face, would she jump?

But he supposed he shouldn't give her anymore reasons _to_ dislike him, if anything.

At school, Rin wasn't much different. Len wasn't always there to witness her wrath, thankfully, but he always heard wind of how scary everyone thought she was, or how she'd challenged a teacher in Biology class, or how she was caught wagging. He liked to pretend that she wasn't slowly becoming notorious for these things, but unfortunately, everybody else would remind him.

"Your sister is fuckin' terrifying, man," Lui said through his shirt. They were getting changed for gym class. "Like, she's hot, but she looks like she'd chomp a dick off. I mean, I like my women feisty, but not _abusive_."

He was referencing Rin's close call with Miku the day before. The girls had crossed paths perchance, and like the heavens had decided it, they'd become mortal enemies. Luckily, a teacher had swooped in to break them up before anyone lost an eye to a fingernail.

Len grimaced at his reflection in one of the mirrors of the changing room. _But not abusive_. He almost winced. An image of his mother came to mind, but he pushed it away before he could elaborate on it. "I wasn't joking when I said she'd been expelled multiple times."

"Yeah, well, I'd never met anyone with that sort of reputation. Now I can see _why_ she has it."

"I know Rin isn't the best person, but I don't like bitching about her like this. She hasn't the best upbringing. You're better off complaining to Miki and Piko about her."

Lui peered over at his friend. "Sorry."

He sighed. "It's fine."

After gym class finished, Len spotted the familiar tell-tale shade of teal approaching him in his peripheral vision. Fearing it was Miku coming to rant about her unfortunate encounter with Rin, he increased his pace towards the changing rooms in hopes he could escape quickly.

He still hadn't forgotten about _that night_ , either - he couldn't exactly remember how he coped the next morning, having to walk her back to the train station so she could go home. Now, if he thought too hard about it, he'd probably have to go to the bathroom to calm himself and that was pretty petty. He had it bad.

Unfortunately, Miku appeared by his side, touching his arm to grab his attention.

"Hey, Len."

Len glanced up at her, momentarily forgetting how to speak. "H- _Hi_."

She gave him an uncertain smile, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "How are you? We haven't talked much - I mean, I haven't seen you around much."

Since the party, he hadn't seen Miku often, either. He knew that she'd broken it off with Yuuma through word of mouth, but that was it. In a way, he was beginning to fear she'd noticed his boner that night and took it to stay Very, Very Far Away.

"Yeah," was all he said.

Miku stared, waiting for him to say something else. But he didn't. "So, um, I just wanted to ask… you don't have to be anywhere straight away this afternoon, right?"

"Uh, no. I don't think so. Why?"

"I was wondering if you could meet me after school. I just want to talk."

Len swallowed, studying her face. She didn't… _seem_ mad, or anything. "It's… not about Rin, is it? Look, I'm sorry you had to deal with her, but -"

"No, no, no. It isn't. Trust me," Miku interrupted, holding up her hands. She forced a grin. "I'm over that. I just want to talk. To you. That's all. Is that okay?"

"Oh." He blinked. "Sure."

Talk about _what_ , though? It seemed suspicious. What was the big secret? What was so important that she had to talk with him after school about?

Regardless, he felt himself trusting in Miku's claims. Just to talk.

Just to talk.

She clasped her hands together, releasing a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank God. I'm sorry if I worried you for a second, I promise it's nothing bad. I just wanted to talk to you in private. Thank you, Len. Just find me once you're dismissed."

Before he could reply, the teal-haired girl bustled off to the change rooms.

He rubbed his eyes. A headache was coming on.

.

.

.

Rin thought her day was going pretty bad already.

But oh, God forbid, _no_.

Miku Hatsune was the epitome of enemy. She knew that. As soon as she laid eyes on her, she knew That Girl was no better than herself. Everything about her screamed, _I'm pretty but I probably kick puppies in my spare time because deep down my heart is nothing but a barren wasteland._

Manipulative? Yes. Attractive and everyone's favourite? Also yes. Currently eating her brother's face off in the park behind the school?

Unfortunately, yes.

Oh, that bitch was more than just an _enemy_ , now.

It was like she'd seen something illegal, stumbling across Len and her digging for each other's tonsils. Had they been dating in secret? Had Miku plotted to hook up with him, just to rub her up the wrong way?

Hmm. Len didn't seem like the kind to just kiss any girl who asked, though.

How unlike they'd grown in that short time apart, she mused. It was a pity he was blinded by affection so much he couldn't see her horrible flaws.

Then again, Rin was a hypocrite. She was very, very, _very_ far from perfect. But at least she was _honest_ about being a piece of shit.

(Not to mention, she wasn't the one often getting suspicious nosebleeds during class. Everyone was too stupid and uneducated to notice this, though.)

But why did she even care if her brother fell into the arms of such a rotten person? He was _happy_.

He was just so _happy_ , it made her sick. He had everything - friends, family, and by the looks of it, a girlfriend - everything she didn't have. He'd warmed up to the stepmonster, he'd let her in, he'd let himself adjust to this comfortable, excruciatingly _perfect_ life while she _suffered_ back at home. He didn't need her petty opinions, because that was all she was to him - petty. Forgotten. Unneeded.

Why, why, w _hy, why, why?_ He was a traitor; he never cared about Rin _at all_ , he abandoned her with Mum and moved on and forgot all about her to live this stupid motherfucking happy life fabricated on lies and the tears of everyone else unfortunate.

She clenched her fists at her sides, resisting the urge to punch something. She couldn't even see them anymore; she'd stormed on towards the station before she tore her eyes out.

Rin wrung her wrists, taking a few deep breaths. She closed her eyes, tried to block it all out. School was fucking shit, obviously. She hated it. Any day involving school would become a bad day - but seeing that only made it _worse_.

She wanted to do something to get her out of it, but now that Len was around - and surely he heard every detail of her misadventures, since rumours spread through the student body like wildfire - she couldn't bring herself to do it. It was almost embarrassing, being a piece of shit in front of him.

Her thought pattern was painfully contradicting; she hated everyone, including Len - but if she disappointed him anymore than she already had, it would kill her slowly from the inside out.

There was a voice in her head telling her, _You don't need to do_ this _anymore. It isn't like back in Tokyo. There's no need to find a way to get attention like this. You don't have to go home to an abusive mother who tells you you're useless, you don't need to escape it anymore._

But at the same time, her mother's voice ran like a broken record in the back of her head:

_No one loves you. No one wants you. You're a disappointment. They don't really want you here. They're just caring for you because they_ have _to._

And - and at the end of the day, she could just about be driven insane by everything going on in that tiny mind of hers. Too many thoughts, and she just wanted to find something that'd silence them.

But nothing would.

.

_2014/11/01._ **Time:** _4:54PM_

shitty disappointment' **S MINDFULNESS JOURNAL ENTRY** who's counting

Today…

**The last thing I ate was:** lunch

**The last thing I drank was:** tears

**The last person I talked to was:** hahahahahahahahahahahaha

**The last thing I did was:** nearly jump onto the train tracks but i didn't because i love to make myself suffer by living on, for some ridiculous reason

Prompt #6: What do you do to cope when you're in pain, physically or emotionally?

wait for the sweet embrace of death to take me

**Rate your current state of happiness out of ten:** (worst) 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 (best)

**Comment on your rating:** negative 69.

Tips towards being mindful:

1\. Observe

2\. Describe

3\. Participate fully

4\. Be non-judgemental

5\. Focus on one thing at a time

**Have a mindful day!**

.

.

.

Len was in a high mood up until he reached home.

His lips were still tingling from Miku's kisses, skin prickling on the thought of her hands roaming over his body. He could still feel the shape of her body under his palms - soft, fragile - the warmth and proximity as she rested against him, the two of them fitting together like pieces to a puzzle.

He was still a little in disbelief they were dating - but yeah, they were dating.

Afternoons with Miku meant he was itching to get home to tear off the uncomfortable fabric of his pants and succumb to his fantasies, guiltily enough. Yes, like every teenage boy with a sex-drive, it was only instinct to want to sleep with her - his girlfriend. But he didn't want to force her into having sex with him, so he waited - even if that meant rushing home with pre-cum-soaked underwear, only to dive towards the bathroom and make a mess of himself.

The thought of being a boyfriend like Yuuma made him sick, so he tried his best to give everything Miku wanted and make _her_ happy, more importantly. She deserved it.

Of course, his pleasure-driven haze fizzled out into cold unease when he reached the front door of his home. Inside, he could hear shouting.

"Rin! Come back here! I haven't finished talking to you!"

"No! Why would I ever listen to _you?_ Why do you think I would listen? I don't _care_ about you! I don't care about _anyone_ in this fucking house! I _hate_ you - I hate _all of you!_ "

Great.

Reluctantly, he took a breath and poked his head around the front door, checking he could enter without sustaining injury of some sort. This wasn't the first time Lily and Rin had fought - definitely, no. It wasn't the first time he'd come home after spending time with Miku after school to find someone screaming or crying.

Luckily Dad was never around to witness them. He was a gentle giant, but you wouldn't want to get on the bad side of him.

Inside, Lily stood opposite the room of Rin, who was edging off in the direction of her bedroom. His stepmother hardly acknowledged him entering with caution - too busy staring down her stepdaughter with a scowl - but as soon as his sister saw him, she wiped her face with her sleeve as if it would tear down her image of Tough Girl had he see evidence of her crying.

It wasn't like he often heard her, you know, sobbing in the bathroom or anything.

He edged past, up the stairs towards his room, steering clear of their staredown. The last time he tried to break up the fight, it'd only gotten worse.

"I just don't _understand_ you!" Lily cried, throwing her hands in the air. "How could you _say_ those things? You've been living here for a month and you act as if I slit your throat! I'm doing everything I can to make you _like_ me, Rin. I'm _trying!_ Why do you _always_ make an enemy out of me? Why do you make out everyone's your _enemy?_ "

Rin let out a piercing scream, pressing the palms of her hands into her eyes. Len flinched, peering down from upstairs.

"That's the thing!" she yells, voice cracking. " _Nobody_ understands! None of you even _bother_ with trying to understand! Why should I make the effort to play happy family when _I'm not happy?_ "

He sighed, locking his bedroom door behind him. _Just let her go, Lily,_ he thought, as if somehow he'd send a telepathic message to his stepmother and she'd back off. Shortly after, though, he heard her start yelling at Rin again.

Len dropped his pants, kicked them aside, grabbed his iPod and jammed his headphones into his ears. Well, that certainly killed the mood. He flopped down onto his bed, turning on his music loud enough to block out Lily and Rin - but not his thoughts.

From there, he let his fantasies take him. At least in Miku's arms, he didn't feel like he'd come from a warzone of a family.

.

.

.

Len had appeared at the top of the staircase when she tried to sneak out earlier that night, arms folded over his chest.

"Where are you going?"

He hadn't said a word to her all day - only deciding to appear _now_ , of all times. Dad had probably made some stupid deal with him to try and stop her from sneaking out to parties without telling them, considering they were in bed by 9 and Len stayed up until midnight more often than not.

Rin rolled her eyes. "What's it to you, watchdog?"

He raised an eyebrow. "What's it to me? I don't know, just curious because it's almost one o'clock."

"Hmm."

"You know," he said, descending the stairs to approach her. "I know that you don't really trust me - or anyone - but you can talk to me if you ever need to, alright?"

Rin eyed him as he brushed past her to fetch a glass of water from the kitchen. "What's this about?"

He shrugged his shoulders, gulping down a mouthful of water. "I don't know, rather than taking out all your frustration on Lily, why don't you just - talk to me? Or us? Or someone?"

Len was referring to the argument she'd had with the stepmonster the previous afternoon. It all started when she skipped out on lunch again, the lunch Lily had 'specially made' for her. It reminded her of the lunches Mum used to make, when everything was still Okay - and that drew the line.

The stepmonster had cried, "Why don't you like me? Why do you keep _rejecting_ me? I haven't _done_ anything to you!"

...then it escalated, similarly to how Every Other Fight with Lily went. The woman didn't know when to _give up_ , for goodness' sake.

She scowled at her brother. "As if _you_ would understand anything."

"Well, you haven't even given me the chance, Rin."

He was right, and both she and he knew it. But she didn't want to admit to that.

"It's more difficult than you think."

"You can't say nobody understands you when you haven't tried explaining what's going on in your head," he said. "None of us can read minds. If we could talk, you know, _properly_ \- that would be nice."

"Why bother?"

Len set down his glass. "Why bother? Because I'm your brother, not some stranger that you like to put me out to be, Rin. If anything, _you're_ the stranger. I don't know anything about you. You're a closed book."

Rin closed her eyes and turned away, heading in the direction for the door. "No - why bother now, when you never even bothered _before_ , Len."

He followed her, stopping in the doorway as she stepped out into the chilly air. His eyebrows met in the middle of his forehead. "I don't understand."

"Maybe you should think about it," she said.

Then she walked off in the direction of the train station, not looking back once.

Unfortunately, thanks to her convenient location, it was too long a trip to her awaited destination. She never understood why Dad and the stepmonster chose to make her and Len attend a school a whole other city away. It made travelling to the parties she heard about _extremely_ inconvenient.

Rin didn't know much about this party in particular, besides that a few seniors were holding it, drinks were somewhat conveniently provided and all you needed was your school ID to get in. She wasn't exactly sure how people would treat her, considering she was notorious for being a Pain in the Ass, but she had her way with words.

A few drinks could make _anyone_ likeable. Maybe.

She found someone who knew her at the train station - a classmate called Gumi. The green-haired girl had stared at her for a while, before approaching to ask, "You're going to Kaito's party, right?"

Somehow, despite her crummy mood, it didn't scare her off.

"I've never really talked to you before," the girl chattered as they headed to the party together. Why Rin agreed to this, she didn't know - she wasn't usually one to take to 'quality time with strangers'. "I'm Gumi. I sit behind you in Maths. You're Len's sister, right? I never knew he had a twin sister."

She talked an awful lot.

Rin licked her lips. "Yeah, well, I don't blame him for not telling anyone."

Gumi laughed. "Is it bad I find it funny when you argue with the maths teacher? Usually everyone's too scared to stand up against her."

She shrugged. "I don't do it to entertain anyone besides myself, but thanks."

"Do you just not like school, or something?"

"To be honest with you," Rin said, "I just don't like life. School included. So."

"Is it true you got expelled so much you had to come all the way here?"

Why was she asking all these questions? Did she like gossip, or something? Well, whatever.

"Yeah. But also because I'm just a royal disappointment and no one wanted me around, so they bummed me off to someone else."

Gumi frowned. "Oh. I'm sorry. I'm sure that's not really the case."

Rin sighed, but said nothing more. The green-haired girl was the embodiment of naivety and hope, and that told her she would be the last person she could get along with - a pity because Gumi seemed a lovely person, but so lovely she wanted to reach inside her body and tear out her organs slowly, one by one.

Maybe she was exaggerating, but, this entire conversational was pretty agonising.

She changed the subject to save herself. "Why are you going to this party?"

Her classmate hummed. "My friends wanted to go, so. You?"

"I like to get drunk to drown all my sorrows," Rin answered. "And other things, but I'll spare you the details."

Gumi hardly batted an eyelid. "Oh. Well, I guess I don't blame you."

_Yep, too lovely._

By this time, they'd reached the front door to the party. A senior stood out the front, keeping guard. He raised his eyebrows at them. "IDs?"

Rin flashed hers, already at hand. Gumi fumbled around for her own. She took it as a chance to escape the awkward smalltalk.

"I'll head inside," she told the green-haired girl. "Enjoy yourself."

Gumi nodded. "Thanks."

They parted ways, and her mind began to drink in her surroundings. Her brain ticked, thoughtful, as she prepared to play her little game once more.

Aaaand one guy - _only one_ \- seemed to take an interest in her, seemed to have played a minor part in her game (only settling for a blowjob, that is). So, other than that, the party was a drag.

She was on her third drink, the room swaying warningly, when she walked into someone's shoulder - a senior she hadn't met before. She'd seen him around, though - tall, attractive, dark blue hair and a cute smile - friends with Miku Hatsune, probably.

Her half-buzzed mind said, _He's definitely a victim_.

Rin found herself smiling back as he helped her steady on her feet. Maybe it was a bad idea to give up so early and down the drinks to pass time - now her moves were far from smooth; her tactics dead obvious.

But still.

"I think you've had a little too much to drink," he told her. He seemed amused by her incoherent flirting and babble, steering her over to a chair. "Have I met you before? You must be an underclassman. What's your name?"

"Rin!" she sputtered. "I don't know who you are."

He laughed. "I'm Kaito. This is my party, remember?"

Rin tilted her head up at him and faked a gasp. "Really?" In all honesty, though, she didn't actually know he was Kaito until now.

"Uh, yeah," he said. He glanced around. "Do you have any friends here? I don't want to leave you alone… like _this_ …"

She shook her head.

He frowned. "Jeez. Where do you live?"

She rattled off something that she thought was her address, but really, she didn't know what that was, either.

"Shit. That's pretty far." He rubbed his forehead and took a seat beside her. "Alright, I'll sit here with you and wait for you to sober up a little bit. No more drinks."

"Can I have your number?" she asked instead.

Kaito blinked. "Why?"

Rin shrugged. "Because you're hot."

He cracked an uncertain grin. "I'm not sure what I should take seriously from you." He sighed, holding out his hand. "Anyway, give me your phone."

She obeyed and he entered his number into her contacts list. _Well, that was pretty easy,_ she mused. "Thank you."

"So, Rin, was it?" Kaito checked. "You're an underclassman? A first year?"

She shook her head. "Second year."

He paused, thinking. "Wait, you're not… the kid who hates Miku, right?"

Oh no.

Rin tilted her head. " _Well_ … uh."

He snorted to himself. "It's you? Don't worry, I don't care if you hate her - it's pretty funny. I guess you're the first person to ever, ah, _challenge_ her. So you're Len Kagamine's sister as well… and he's dating her. Interesting."

"Yeah. Unfortunately."

"Well, I mean, the guy punched a friend of mine in the face at a party, then stole his girlfriend, essentially. You have to give him _some_ credit."

Rin blinked. "He punched someone at a party and stole his girlfriend? Wow. Almost as bad as me."

Kaito chuckled. "I was going to ask, do you go around stealing people's boyfriend's - or girlfriend's - too? I mean, I've heard a bit about your mishaps. So you're the troublesome two, huh. I better watch out."

"I thought he'd never hurt a fly," she mused aloud. _But I guess I don't really know that much about him, or not as much as I thought._ "Do you have a girlfriend?"

The boy shrugged. "No… not really."

"Okay, good. I won't have to steal you away from anyone," she said. It was kind of a joke… but not really.

Kaito raised an eyebrow. "Well I mean, don't punch anyone in the face to win my heart, please."

Rin smiled. "I don't do violence. I prefer words and the great art of seduction."

"Oh boy."

She winked at him. "Watch out."

Kaito shook his head, grinning. "Alright. I will."

Then it fell silent, and stayed that way for a while.

Her game wasn't very successful, but that was only her first attempt. She already had her next target in mind.

.

_2014/11/30._ **Time:** _5:23AM_

rin' **S MINDFULNESS JOURNAL ENTRY** i actually counted and this is no. 7

Today…

**The last thing I ate was:** who knows

**The last thing I drank was:** water

**The last person I talked to was:** What A Delight It Is You've Come Home To See Me Off To Work Rin, by Dad

**The last thing I did was:** pee for a very very long time

Prompt #7: If your body could talk, what would it say right now?

"You haven't had sex in a really long time," said my body. "Also, please let me die."

**Rate your current state of happiness out of ten:** (worst) **1** \- 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 (best)

**Comment on your rating:** i think the alcohol is getting to me.

Tips towards being mindful:

1\. Observe

2\. Describe

3\. Participate fully

4\. Be non-judgemental

5\. Focus on one thing at a time

**Have a mindful day!**

.

.

.

Len woke up to a call from Miku.

"It's your birthday today, right?" she asked once he answered.

He paused for a moment. "Oh, right. Yeah. It is."

"Happy birthday, Lenny," she cooed. His chest warmed. "I've gotta go, but I'll come by later, okay? You won't be busy, right?"

"Thanks - and no, uh, I haven't got anything planned… Rin couldn't be bothered with it, so…"

Miku sighed. "Well, Rin's a bitch." He wanted to correct her on it, to tell her to not call her that, but he kept his mouth shut. He didn't want an argument. " _I'll_ make it up to you for her. I'll text you when I'm on my way. I love you."

She blew a kiss through the phone, he returned the favour, and she hung up.

Len sighed, falling back down against his mattress. Sitting on his desk was his present for Rin, something he decided last minute on impulse. He didn't want to give her anymore reasons to call him a shitty brother.

Though, he wasn't even sure she'd _like_ it. It was just a dress he saw, something that reminded him of her. He didn't even know if she wore dresses casually - or even the style. It was probably too girly for her, or whatever.

He rubbed his eyes. Still, he wasted his allowance on it. She was going to take it, whether she liked it or not.

After lying in bed for a few more minutes, he got changed and headed downstairs. Lily was in the kitchen, cooking something - probably a 'birthday breakfast', since it was tradition for the past five or so years. "Happy birthday, Len!" she greeted, uncomfortably upbeat. "How was your sleep?"

"It was okay." He glanced around for his sister. "Is Rin up?"

His stepmother shook her head, a small frown forming on her lips.

Len sighed, knowing what the expression on her face meant, and placed her present on the kitchen counter. "I'll go wake her."

Waking Rin was something he didn't enjoy doing, hence why Lily wouldn't do it - and, well, it just wasn't a good way to start off their birthday with her in a bad mood.

Oh, who was he kidding? She was _always_ in a bad mood.

He knocked a few times on her door to check she wasn't already up. Silence. He took a steady breath, then cautiously opened the door, peering into her room.

A tuft of blonde poked out from under the blanket of Rin's futon - she was curled up under the sheets and barely visible, breathing deeply, nowhere near consciousness. If only she looked as innocent and carefree when she was conscious, as she did when she was asleep, huh.

Len edged his way over to her, crouching down beside the mound on the ground. He carefully brushed away a strand of hair from her face, watching as her eyelids fluttered. "Um, hey, Rin…" he said, hoping she would hear him.

It took a few more prompts before his sister popped an eye open, fixing a cold stare on him. He swallowed. "I'm sorry to wake you up, but it's our birthday, and uh… breakfast is being made…?"

Rin exhaled, turning away from him. "Celebrate it without me like you usually do," she groused.

His mouth popped open, then closed. Finally, he settled for, "No."

"Piss off."

He stood, folding his arms over his chest. "How about I don't?"

She pulled the sheets over her head, ignoring him.

"Fine," he said. He snatched the pillow out from under her head and tossed it aside, before pulling the sheets off her body. "You have plenty of time to sleep when you're dead, Rin."

Rin lifted her head, scowling. "I really wish I was," she told him, sitting up. She groaned, as if in physical pain. "I can't believe I'm fucking alive. Again. Another wasted year."

He frowned. "Well, I don't think any of it was wasted, Rin. I mean, you're here - with me, with Dad - for the first time in five years. You haven't been expelled yet. You're doing pretty okay, if you had to ask me."

She rolled her eyes and brushed past him to find a jumper, pulling it over her pyjamas.

He sighed. " _I'm_ pretty glad you're alive, anyway."

Her gaze flickered back to him. "Right." Then she turned away and walked out of her room without him.

Len rubbed his eyes. It was too early in the day to have to deal with Rin's bitterness and a birthday-already-gone-wrong. Then he remembered his present, and hurried out of the room after her.

"I got you something," he said, stepping past to fetch the parcel from the kitchen counter. He tossed it over to her.

Rin caught it, looking down at the present as if he just threw her a kitten. Her eyebrows furrowed. "Seriously?"

He shrugged. "It's our birthday. I got it last minute. You're probably not going to like it, though."

"Right," she said, feeling around the package. She walked over to the counter to unwrap it, ignoring Lily's greeting, carefully unsticking the wrapping paper and unfolding it, as opposed to just tearing it apart. She pulled the dress out and stared at it for a while, lacking any expression. "It's… pretty. Thank you, Len."

Yep, she didn't like it. Len was expecting that, of course, but still… his chest ached like it was empty, he was disappointed, as if he failed something. Failed as a brother, was it? Maybe. Possibly. He was probably a failure of a brother if he couldn't even make his sister happy with _something_.

He gave her a thin smile, but couldn't say anything.

Rin disappeared back to her room to put it away, before they settled for a very silent breakfast - apart from Lily's attempts at conversation and liveliness.

"So are you two going to do anything together today?" she asked.

"No," Len spoke up, knowing Rin wouldn't answer.

Lily's smile faded. "Why's that?"

He glanced over at his sister, who was staring down at her plate, chewing in silence. Then he looked back at his stepmother. She seemed to get the reference.

"Well, uh, are any of you going to do _anything_ today?" she tried.

"Miku's coming over," he said.

This got a reaction out of Rin. "Guess I'm going out, then."

Len frowned, but kept his mouth shut. He didn't get why the two couldn't just… get over whatever the hell they fought about and make up. It was annoying - he couldn't bring Miku up in her presence without aggravating her to some extent.

"That sounds nice," Lily commented. "Well, I hope you two enjoy your days, at least."

"I won't, but thanks," Rin muttered.

He stared at her across the dinner table and she glanced up, raising an eyebrow. "Same," was all he said, before taking his plate and leaving. His hands were shaking as he washed up his cutlery and headed back upstairs. It was better to leave before things got nasty.

It was better to just leave.

Miku had texted while he took a shower and shaved to calm himself, which was _something_ to look forward to for the day. She said she'd be around in an hour or so, so 'get ready'. Get ready for what, he asked, but she just sent a winking emoticon.

Alrighty.

While waiting for her to come, he lied on his bed and thanked all the birthday wishes he'd gotten through text or his SNS. There wasn't that many, but it took a long time trying to think up different variations of "Thank you" that would somehow express his unique gratification for each person.

He started thinking about Rin and her dress again, and that was when he must've dozed off, because he felt his phone buzz against his chest - a text from Miku telling him _I'm here._

Len straightened his clothes and went downstairs to let her in.

A flash of teal lunged at him, and Miku threw her arms around his neck, planting a passionate kiss on his lips. "Happy birthday, Lenny," she cooed into his ear, breath warm in contrast to the cool winter air blowing in from behind her.

They pulled apart and he lead her back upstairs to his room.

"How was your morning?" Miku asked, stepping away to fix her appearance in front of his mirror as he shut the door behind him.

"Pretty shitty, to be honest."

"N'aww, that's no good." She pouted, turning back to face him and cup his face in her hands. She squished his cheeks. "Was it that narky sister of yours? Tell me about it." She grabbed the sleeve of his jumper and dragged him over to his bed, motioning for him to sit.

He sat obediently. "Yeah, it was just - you know, guilt. Disappointment. I mean - _I'm_ the disappointment. I just can't make her happy, no matter _what_ I do."

Miku tutted, putting her hands on her hips. "Well, _I'm_ happy with you, Lenny. Is that enough?" She pouted at him and he cracked a smile. "There we go! Anyway, I have a surprise for you…"

Len raised his eyebrows. "A surprise? Oh boy."

She giggled. "Close your eyes. I'll tell you when to open them."

He nodded and obeyed her orders. What was… she going to do? In a way, he was a little concerned…

...and excited, maybe.

There was rustling, like she was digging around in her coat or something, then he heard something hit the floor. What was that? He almost opened his eyes to check, but Miku squealed, "No peeking!" so he squeezed his eyes shut.

A few moments later, he heard his girlfriend exhale. "Okay, you can open them now."

Len popped his eyes open and - _oh boy_. For a second, he thought he was hallucinating, or dreaming, or something. Miku stood in front of him, cheeks flushed, clad in nothing but lacy underwear.

Lacy, _sexy_ underwear, at that.

His mouth fell ajar.

This was… far more a surprise, really.

She twirled a strand of hair around her finger. "Is it… alright?" she questioned, seeming apprehensive.

"Y- yeah, yeah - it's _more_ than alright, Miku," he reassured. Something downstairs awoke, drawing all the heat in his body down to the pit of his stomach.

Miku grinned, taking a step forward. "You're allowed to touch me, you know."

Hesitant, Len reached out to cup her breasts in his hands, squeezing them gently. They weren't too small or too big - just, perfect, and soft, and alluring.

She reached down, taking his hands in hers and guiding them around to her back. "You can unhook it - you can do _whatever_ you want, Lenny. It's my present."

He swallowed, fiddling with the strap of her bra. Eventually it gave way, falling forward.

Miku shrugged it off, tossing it aside, exposing two budding, pink nipples.

Len felt as if he was on fire - in a good way, if that was even possible. It was surreal, touching her breasts, feeling her nipples grow erect under his touch - finally, something that he'd fantasized over for so long was becoming a reality.

She moved forward, sliding down over his thighs to straddle him. She looked down into his eyes. "I love you, Len," she said.

"I love you too," he breathed.

Miku kissed him on the lips, trailing her hands down over his chest and to his hips, grazing over the growing erection in his pants. He shuddered at her touch, and so she cupped his penis, rubbing against it with her palm.

She broke away from the kiss, breathing heavy. "That feel good?"

Len nodded, words not forming in his mouth. This was more than good. It was great. It was _awesome_.

"Have you ever had sex with anyone before, Len?"

He shook his head.

She smiled. "Okay, well," she said, "you just tell me what you want. I want this to be amazing for you. It's your birthday, after all."

"Take my pants off," he mumbled. "Take them off and… touch me more, please."

Miku pecked his mouth once more, before pushing him down against the bed and unzipping his trousers. She tugged them down, then his underwear, and reached out to run a finger over the tip of his dick.

"My finger isn't too cold?"

He shook his head.

She then wrapped her hand around his shaft, rubbing it up and down in a slow motion, taking extra care to apply pressure in all the right places. "Is this okay, Lenny?"

Len licked his lips and nodded, trembling under her touch. He wanted her to go faster, to drive him crazy - but he didn't want to seem impatient, needy. This was still good, it still felt too nice…

Miku slid her other hand down to cup his balls, gentle in her actions. He gasped, a surge of pleasure fizzling up through his stomach, to his chest. She glanced up at him, gave a shy smile.

"Don't you - don't you want to be touched too?" he asked.

"Me?" She paused her actions, thinking. "Well, of course I do, but…"

"Can I touch you, too?"

For a second, he bit down on his tongue, fearing he was asking too much. But Miku let out a small giggle, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "Of course, Len. You don't need to ask. I'm yours."

He flushed. _I'm yours_. He'd never really thought of Miku as _his_ , but…

Len sat up, shuffling backwards so she could sit back on his lap easier. She gazed down at him, curious, as he took hold of one of her breasts again, kneading it with care, tracing over the tip of her nipple. He then leant forward to kiss it, seizing it between his lips, running his tongue over the soft pink flesh. His other hand moved down between her legs to rub her crotch, which was warm and moist. Part of him felt relieved that she was turned on by this, too.

Miku exhaled, leaning into his touch. Her hands moved around to the back of his head, pushing him closer.

He ran his fingers along the hem of her underwear, before slipping under the fabric and down to her heat. He wasn't sure what to touch, to stroke, to rub in all honesty - he'd never considered trying to figure out fingering techniques, or whatever since he had been a girlfriendless loser his whole life, and now he wished he did. Hoping he had the right idea, he explored her carefully with his hand, rubbing his thumb against her clit and easing a finger in and out of her vagina.

Her breathing turned heavy and she twitched around him, indicating he was getting _something_ right, at least.

His erection then throbbed, a painful and desperate reminder, so he pulled his hand out from her underwear and pushed her down and forward, against his penis. He could feel her heat quiver against him through the fabric, and he bucked his hips up against it, imagining him sliding into her…

"Len," Miku whispered against his forehead, pressing a chaste kiss to his skin. "Hold on." She pulled away to stand, tugging down her underwear over her slim thighs. Once they were off, she kneeled back over him, tilting his head up to kiss him on the lips.

The tip of his dick brushed against her slick opening as she hovered over him.

"What about a… condom…?" he mumbled into her mouth.

Her hand fluttered down to his erection, holding it upright and steady as she positioned herself over him. "It's okay. I don't need one." She slowly slid down onto him, earning a low moan from the boy. He lifted his hips, trying to hasten the process. Her lips curved against his, a smile. "I'll take charge this time, Lenny."

Len nodded, a wave of pleasure spreading through his loins as her walls clenched around him. It felt surreal - it felt _better_ than he'd ever imagined.

Miku then started moving herself up and down, holding him close against her. He shuddered, groaned, squirming as she'd fasten her pace then slow once more.

She repeated it, she repeated it until both their breathing became shallow and he could feel the buildup of pressure in his abdomen. She gasped, jerking in her movements, digging her nails into his back. Her muscles twitched and clenched around his dick, and her soft moan of pleasure sent him off as well.

Everything around him disappeared momentarily as he thrusted against her, grunting, releasing. He groaned into her mouth, shuddering as the pleasure eventually faded, his heart thudding away in his chest. Her own fluttered as she quavered against him, coming down from her own high.

"I love you," Len murmured against her lips.

Miku nodded. "I love you too…"

He laid back against the bed, holding her tight against him.

"Did you enjoy it?" she whispered into his ear after a while.

_Of course I did, of course - of course_ , he thought. There was too much he wanted to say, too many words he wanted to use to describe how he felt, but he just settled for, "Yeah. It was amazing."

She lifted her head and smiled, her cheeks still pink. "I'm glad."

Maybe it wasn't such an awful birthday after all.

.

.

.

Rin stared at the dress she'd thrown on her desk before breakfast. It wasn't anything _much_ \- pale yellow, sheer material with an overdose of frills adorning the hems - yet she didn't know what to do with it.

She didn't like the style of the dress, for starters - it was too _pretty_ , and she hadn't been called that word since she was 10 - and it was a gift from Len, which made it all the more… grinding. To put it straight, she'd never wear it in a million years.

But as the thought of throwing it away crossed her mind, a heavy, sinking feeling made home in her chest. It was a gift, a gift from Len. She wasn't _expecting_ it, and knowing him, he probably spent his own money on it, took the time to pick it out. He could've made his life easier and not bothered, but he didn't.

Why was that.

Rin hadn't even thought about giving him a gift. She hadn't made _any_ effort; she'd only just argued with him and pushed him away.

But he just kept coming back.

She rubbed her eyes furiously, before putting the dress away in her cupboard.

Len said Miku was coming over, and God forbid Rin would be stuck under the same roof as that snotty bitch. The girl probably wanted to give him a birthday blowjob or something, and she'd rather scrape her eyeballs out with rusting knives than listen to her brother moan under the influence of her.

She almost threw up thinking about it. Yikes.

Then again, thinking about your brother getting jerked off by anyone at all was a pretty disgusting thought to start off with.

Why was she even thinking about - just, _no._

To avoid the highly likely situation of being stuck in her room while a relative romped with a mortal enemy in the room above her head, she dug out her phone and called Kaito, seeking refuge in his company.

The senior and her got along quite well, if you wouldn't call that boasting. Ever since she managed to befriend him at his party, she'd kissed his ass as much as possible; waving at him in the hallways at school, complimenting his hairstyle which rarely ever changed, practically stalking his every move and 'coincidentally' turning up at all the parties and events he went to within the past month.

He was a tough nut to crack, though - he wasn't falling for her charms _that_ easy.

But Rin was determined.

After persuading him to hang out with her for the afternoon - 'It's my birthday, come _on_ \- do you want me to sit here listening to Miku and Len have sex and _suffer?_ ' - she fished out a skin-tight dress and a coat, and climbed out her bedroom window to avoid being questioned by the stepmonster.

"It's cold," was the first thing she said when they met up outside the cinemas, after enduring a long train ride to the city.

Kaito raised his eyebrows, glancing down at her legs. "Well, no wonder. You're not wearing very warm clothes."

"Do I want to look good, or look like a marshmallow?" she responded.

He cracked a grin. "Isn't there a happy medium?"

"No." She turned away to look at the list of screening movies, frowning to herself. She was never really keen on movies, but it wasn't like there was anything else to do with Kaito that didn't make it awkward. "Did you have in mind anything you wanted to watch?"

"I thought _you_ would have something in mind, since you were the one who begged me to come to the cinemas with you." He folded his arms over his chest. "Happy birthday, by the way. Why aren't you celebrating it with your family anyway?"

Rin glanced back at him. "As if those suckers would want to celebrate my day of birth. I'm the worst thing that's ever happened to them."

Kaito cocked an eyebrow. "I doubt that."

She thought for a moment. "Well, my _mum_ was the worst thing that's ever happened to them - but I'm next in line after her, so."

"Er… okay." He stepped past her to read the list himself, before changing the subject. "How about we go bowling instead?"

"That still exists?"

He looked at her. "When was the last time you went bowling?"

_When my family wasn't messed up and everyone was still happy_. "A really, really long time ago."

"Okay. Well, it's decided - bowling."

Rin sighed. Today wasn't really going to plan at all, but whatever. At least she wasn't at home, suffering slowly as her brother and his slutty girlfriend recorded a sextape overhead. Plus, it was time with Kaito. Time with Kaito meant less time it would take for her to win him in her game.

The bowling alley was within walking distance and wasn't anything too flash, but she expected that considering this city was about 10% the population of Tokyo, or something. They paid for one game at first, and as expected, Kaito won. She was absolutely shit at bowling, and either threw the ball into the gutter or dropped it on her toe before she even got up to the lane.

Yet she demanded another.

And another.

It distracted her from the debilitating dark thoughts and emptiness at least, and her major failures entertained Kaito, which was a plus.

When Rin suggested playing one more game, after losing three times consecutively, the boy squinted at her and shook his head. "I'm sorry, Rin, but by the time you beat me in bowling, we'll both be broke and dead. How about we get something to eat? It's going to get dark outside soon."

She frowned, but complied anyway.

They proceeded to spend the next hour searching for a place to eat, and settled for some takeaway takoyaki, finding a seat in the middle of an eerily quiet shopping mall. Adjacent to where they sat was an empty arcade, with an aging Pikachu statue that had dead eyes which followed you everywhere you went. It looked like the place hadn't been renovated since last century.

Charming.

"You holding up there?" Kaito asked, referring to the goosebumps on her legs.

"The temperature is nowhere near as cold as my heart," she replied. "But I could always do with a hug for extra warmth."

He snorted. "That was pretty bad."

"I thought it was _pretty_ _smooth_ , if you ask me."

"Right-o." He chewed for a while, smiling to himself. "But seriously - shouldn't you go buy some tights _at least?_ Your lips are almost blue."

A beat, then - "But if you kiss them, they won't be."

Kaito exhaled. "You're ridiculous."

She smirked. "No. Just smart."

It fell silent between them as they finished their food. She couldn't stop returning to the morning, the look Len had given her over breakfast. It was the kind of expression that told her he was ready to push her onto a busy highway. _Please, do the honours_ , she thought to herself.

"I like you, Kaito."

The boy glanced up from his feet, blinking at her. "Well, I guessed that already."

Rin stared back. "Are the feelings mutual, or not?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"Well, it isn't it obvious?"

He shrugged. "Yeah, I like you. Sometimes."

"Why only sometimes?"

"You're kind of different from the other girls I've liked," he explained. "Sometimes I'm just not sure."

"But why not give me a go?"

"I enjoy your poor attempts at flirting with me."

Rin rolled her eyes. "That's a horrible excuse. I think you should succumb and kiss me already."

So he did. He leant over and pressed his lips against hers.

It was a strange, short-lived moment - something buzzed in her chest, something unfamiliar. Maybe it was just the feeling of success, maybe. Maybe it wasn't. But she didn't know what emotions were what; she didn't really know what she was really feeling.

After Kaito pulled away, she asked, "So this means we're dating, right?"

He stood and reached out to ruffle her hair. "I don't know. Give me a night to think about it, maybe?" She didn't miss his wink. "Anyway, we should call it a day, Rin."

She licked her lips, following suit. "Can we hang out again tomorrow?"

He slung an arm around her shoulders, pulling her close. "Yeah," he answered. "We can hang out tomorrow."

.

_2014/12/27._ **Time:** _8:39PM_

(len voice) my bitchy sister' **S MINDFULNESS JOURNAL ENTRY** no. 8

Today…

**The last thing I ate was:** a very uncomfortable and forced birthday dinner

**The last thing I drank was:** who the fuck keeps track of this seriously

**The last person I talked to was:** lily, who insisted i try on the dress len gave me but i'd rather walk outside naked and in my full glory

**The last thing I did was:** stare at len because he was acting _very strange_ at dinner

Prompt #8: Write something you need to hear.

Hello Rin, it's Some Godly Being, and I'm here to take back your life and give you a brand new one that doesn't suck. It seems yours was a failed trial run, but we've finally exited the beta stages, so you can live your true, well-deserved and happy life now. Enjoy. Love Dead Guy No.1292138 Xoxoxoxo

**Rate your current state of happiness out of ten:** (worst) 1 - **2** \- 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 (best)

**Comment on your rating:** HAHAHAHAHA just you wait until the next entry.

Tips towards being mindful:

1\. Observe

2\. Describe

3\. Participate fully

4\. Be non-judgemental

5\. Focus on one thing at a time

**Have a mindful day!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy 420 blaze it lol
> 
> (obligatory rinlen fan complaint about the lenku and rinkai) - _dooooont dooooooo thiiiiiiiis._  
>  aaaanyway, since ao3 people seem to be a lot more mature than ffnet's members i saved you from reading a Long Angry Author Note Explaining Why You Shouldn't Make Your Review 90% Ship Hate Because That's Fucking Annoying. alas, someone still did the exact same thing in their review for this chapter and i just - clutches head and sighs. but the feedback was mostly positive and understanding and im glad people can see my side of the argument :) hopefully i wont have to pull out the a/n on here either, but you guys seem pretty cool so, thumbs up.
> 
> i feel the sex scene was awfully rushed but i didnt want to drag it out into a fully-detailed lemon orz. plus im really awkward, im like len-level of awkward when he remembers he doesnt know how to finger a girl. the same with me, i dont know how to write sex scenes. (but fingering a girl would come naturally since im such a master at sex haha wipes sweat from brow) god the vocabulary makes me cringe a lil.
> 
> everyone is going to hate this story so much by the end of it, it's a trainwreck from start to finish and will not fit into anyone's ideals and same, same. neither do i haha.
> 
> thank you for the support on this story so far i scream every time i get a kudos/comment on here, especially since the vocaloid fandom on ao3 is exceptionally as dead as ffnet HahahahHAhahahaHAhahah so it's an achievement, really.

**Author's Note:**

> (takes a breath and prepares for the slaughtering) im not mentally ready, but ill pretend i am
> 
> my notes for this, because i know if i type in paragraphs it will get /too long/ and that will be a disaster:
> 
> \- at this current stage, with the story's entire plan still a wip, the planning doc stands at 15 pages and 8.5k words. yes. ive spent a lot of time trying to plan it, work out individual characters behaviours/personalities, etc.
> 
> \- i wanted to make a major work for 2016 - something i can call 'mine'. this happened. OK.
> 
> \- this was originally going to be sixshot, but i felt i had too much happening in six chapters without enough development. so now its nine. Why.
> 
> \- inspired by a combination of things, but mostly cathy cassidy's scarlett and josh boone's stuck in love. (also maybe a bit of Chocolatheque's Relapse on ffn but don't tell them, they'd probably yell)
> 
> \- yes to all your questions. i just know what questions youll ask. :')
> 
> \- actually i'm very unsure on the kind of response ill receive from this because its... yeah. different. i feel like a lot of people will hone in on rins character and be very critical of her (much unlike people do when len is the dirty whore, Damn U Len). due to the small handful of intense critiques bad sister got on ffn - considering it was Very Toned Down in comparison - i expect to have my neck snapped for this. yay. not to mention the only person who is seeing this IN THE WHOLE before all of you is probably nebesa, my beta, and yeah (i think beta took one look at the doc and ran away because it's like 14k atm HAHAHA). i havent really gotten outsider opinions. im too scared to. ahahaha (runs away)
> 
> \- there are ships. but what ships, you ask? i will not tell you. my only hint is: worry about the ships when its part III.
> 
> welp it's still really long i'm sorry.
> 
> to be beta'd by nebesa - will update the doc when she gets to it. whimsyappletea also helped me rewrite a few awkward sentences. but there are still probably a thousand awkward sentences, because i seem to be awesome at those (and word vomit, hence the length of a single chapter). now all i need is for someone to say im a bad, rip-off version of (censored username) and it'll be like deja vu! yay!
> 
> the mindfulness journal stuff came from some informative handouts from headspace. my psychologist got like really excited and printed out 20 sheets of paper on all these things haha. (but i do rec checking out headspace's website for help/info on mental illnesses, etc. as it is the best place ever.)
> 
> sue me but i love rin in this, goddamn, fight me please.


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